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dddean's favorite FMLs
by salmone / 05/15/2014 at 9:03pm / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy
Today, while at work as a telemarketer, I called a customer on his home phone. Once I was connected, an automated voice said, "To speak with a customer, please press 1." Confused, I pressed one. I then heard loud laughter followed by, "Oh my god! What a dumbass!" before they hung up. FML
by Anonymous / 05/07/2014 at 11:57pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work
by Taylor / 04/21/2014 at 12:04am / United States (Iowa) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 04/20/2014 at 12:03am / United States (Idaho) / Animals
Today, after living in my apartment for nearly a year, I heard my neighbor having a violent toilet session. Now I realize he's always been able to hear the wrath of my bowels too. We wave at each other every day. FML
by toilet_trouble / 04/19/2014 at 3:44am / United States / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 04/18/2014 at 8:14pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids
by Ow / 04/18/2014 at 7:09am / United States (Arizona) / Health
Today, my professor ran half a mile in the pouring rain just to return my cell phone, which I had left behind in lecture. Shocked and embarrassed, I exclaimed, "You shouldn't have!" "Damn right," he responded, "I'm 64 years old." FML
by sad but true. / 04/15/2014 at 7:18pm / United States (Connecticut) / Work
by derped-out sperm / 04/01/2014 at 5:41pm / Ireland / Kids
by testacular / 03/25/2014 at 5:20pm / United Kingdom (Plymouth) / Intimacy
Today, I was at Walmart and had to use the bathroom. I sat down and farted real loud. I didn't realize someone was in there with me until I heard a voice say, "Dude, that was a good one." It was a man's voice. I then realized I was in the men's restroom. FML
by dani / 03/24/2014 at 11:39pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 03/24/2014 at 10:11pm / United States (Kansas) / Health
by BMTH2296 / 03/21/2014 at 7:42pm / United States / Geek
Today, my dad took me to a bar for my first legal drink. He quickly got "drunk" and started slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too poor to pay for an abortion. As I started crying, he burst out laughing and said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML
by Anonymous / 03/21/2014 at 6:35pm / Australia / Kids
Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML
by iusedprotectionanyway / 03/21/2014 at 5:44pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Health