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dav3800's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 09/09/2009 at 12:23am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Magnus_the_Red / 09/09/2009 at 12:13am / United States (Nebraska) / Intimacy
Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at a red light. To our left, a very obese, middle aged man slowly unbuttoned his shirt and spread it out. He then stared at us while massaging his nipples with his thumb and index fingers for the duration of the red light. FML
by Scarred / 09/04/2009 at 1:15am / United States (North Carolina) / Transportation
by Jonnyboo / 08/29/2009 at 8:13am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was taking a serious shit when the light bulb burned out. I am terrified of the dark and began wailing and crying. My mom had to pick the lock and get me out. I'm a 17 year old guy and captain of the Varsity football team. My little brother recorded it and plans on showing everyone. FML
by scaredshitless / 08/07/2009 at 12:11am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was wearing a skirt, and running towards a closing elevator, making it just in time. As soon as I ran in, my pad fell out of my underwear and onto the floor. There were 6 other people in the elevator. I picked it up before I realized I had nowhere to put it, so I held it. For 18 floors. FML
by Alice / 08/01/2009 at 4:15am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was at the Wild Animal Park. There were bees everywhere. One brave bee, thinking he was Mr. Macho, flew right down my tank top in between my boobs. I freaked the hell out and ended up screaming and pulling down my shirt to get the bee out. I flashed about 10 kids and their families. FML
by bsaucedo / 07/28/2009 at 1:00am / United States (California) / Kids
Today, I had to wait outside Starbucks. While standing, I started day dreaming and didn't notice I had been staring at a table beside the window for a long time. Suddenly, someone went up to me and said "Try not to be so obvious". Sitting at the table was a girl with a huge cleavage. FML
by lifedoessuck12 / 07/19/2009 at 10:13am / Philippines (Pasay) / Miscellaneous
by paddy / 07/14/2009 at 8:23am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous
by pkstarstorm / 07/14/2009 at 2:58am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to the doctor. I told her I felt down all the time. She asked me a few questions and she told me I was depressed. She suggested to go home and find the sources of my depression. When I told my parents, they started laughing and said "Yeah, right." I think I found my source. FML
by farrahfarrest_ / 07/02/2009 at 3:49pm / United States (California) / Health
Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML
by notinflammable / 06/27/2009 at 12:41am / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy
Today, I was at the cafeteria of my school with my boyfriend and he dumped me. I was kinda expecting it. What I wasn't expecting was that he'd start running in front of everyone, screaming "FREEEEEEEEEDOM!" at the top of his lungs and that he'd kiss the first girl he saw. FML
by Anonymous / 06/12/2009 at 2:39am / Canada (Quebec) / Love
Today, I failed a basic intelligence test when the mouse trap I was setting up snapped on my thumb. Later, when I checked the trap I saw that the mouse had managed to lick all the bait off the trap without being caught, I have a sore thumb and was outsmarted by a rodent. FML
by Trapped / 06/10/2009 at 4:13am / Australia / Animals
Today, one of my three-year-old twin daughters asked, "Dad, can we get a cat?" I replied in a gentle dad voice, "No, honey, dad is allergic to cats. That means they make him sneeze and sniffle. So we can't get a cat. Sorry." After a slight pause, the other asked, "When you die can we get a cat?" FML
by TwinDad / 05/14/2009 at 11:24am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids