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crystalmonkeys

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crystalmonkeys

0Fucked!

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crystalmonkeys's page activity

Visits<b>ForwardUn2Dawn</b> - the 09/20/2013 at 6:34am

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crystalmonkeys's favorite FMLs

Today, a student set me on fire while I was lecturing my class about proper lab safety. FML

#21491253
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22737) - you deserved it (1976)

On 11/11/2015 at 12:47pm - work - by burnbabyburn - United Kingdom

Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML

#21478471
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28313) - you deserved it (3553)

On 10/11/2015 at 12:20am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I wrote a song for my boyfriend on paper. The first thing he did was correct my grammar. FML

#21473096
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20615) - you deserved it (7964)

On 09/26/2015 at 9:47pm - love - by Ally - Canada (Ontario)

Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

#21472478
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23125) - you deserved it (2573)

On 09/25/2015 at 1:42am - kids - by Failed_Dad (man) - United States (California)

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML

#21457342
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25799) - you deserved it (10249)

On 08/17/2015 at 9:55pm - work - by BarhydtBran - United States (California)

Today, after hearing the doctor saying my girlfriend can never be pregnant, I got a bit too excited. I'm currently on the 5th hour of the silent treatment. FML

#21457054
293 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17939) - you deserved it (39921)

On 08/17/2015 at 4:33am - health - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized how cheap I am when I blacked out at a water park and some one yelled "Call 911!" I tried to mutter out "No, that's too expensive!" FML

Today, I had a call to the rodent rescue I run. They wanted to know if we had any mice for adoption and how much they cost. I told them that we had over 30 mice, and that we don't charge but do take donations. They said, "That's fantastic! I've been struggling to find snake food that isn't frozen!" FML

Today, I got into a heated argument with my girlfriend. Not because of anything I did, but because she actually believes that pasteurization is when a pastor blesses a dairy product. "You know, like kosher." FML

#21416018
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28214) - you deserved it (2778)

On 05/26/2015 at 11:12am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I missed my bus. But it didn't miss me. I've been in the hospital for 8 hours with a broken leg. FML

#21413750
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30193) - you deserved it (2158)

On 05/21/2015 at 9:55pm - money - by FrickingBusDrivers (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I kept hearing a child creepily giggling in my living room. I couldn't sleep and got so scared that I started considering hiring an exorcist. Long story short: be careful if you have Bluetooth speakers, because your dickhead neighbor might hack them and start fucking with you. FML

#21401745
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35662) - you deserved it (4941)

On 04/29/2015 at 1:42pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, while with a large group of friends, my best friend started talking about my struggles with dating and intimacy. I quietly asked her to stop talking about it, as it was personal and I wasn't comfortable with everyone else knowing. Her response? "Um, it's really none of your business." FML

Today, I had to arrest my own boyfriend for public sex. FML

#21399557
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41503) - you deserved it (3173)

On 04/25/2015 at 4:05pm - love - by RBergman - United States (Wyoming)

Today, a friendly game of Cards Against Humanity somehow ended in a screaming match, my best friend's mother pulling out her tits, and me getting bit in the foot by a dog. FML

Today, my roommate wants to kick me out because I can't afford to pay my share of the rent this month. I couldn't afford to, because I had to pay for repairs to my car after my roommate got drunk, stole my keys, and crashed it into a street light. FML

#21394027
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38536) - you deserved it (2890)

On 04/15/2015 at 10:32am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Nottinghamshire)



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