crystalmonkeys

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crystalmonkeys

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  • Number of visits : 1878
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  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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crystalmonkeys's page activity

Visits<b>ForwardUn2Dawn</b> - the 09/20/2013 at 6:34am

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crystalmonkeys's favorite FMLs

Today, after assuring my best friend that his girlfriend would never cheat on him, I came home to my brother having loud sex with my best friend's girlfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 02/16/2016 at 11:04pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, a student set me on fire while I was lecturing my class about proper lab safety. FML

by burnbabyburn / 11/11/2015 at 12:47pm / United Kingdom / Work

Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML

by Anonymous / 10/11/2015 at 12:20am / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, I wrote a song for my boyfriend on paper. The first thing he did was correct my grammar. FML

by Ally / 09/26/2015 at 9:47pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

by Failed_Dad / 09/25/2015 at 1:42am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML

by BarhydtBran / 08/17/2015 at 9:55pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, after hearing the doctor saying my girlfriend can never be pregnant, I got a bit too excited. I'm currently on the 5th hour of the silent treatment. FML

by Anonymous / 08/17/2015 at 4:33am / United States / Health

Today, I realized how cheap I am when I blacked out at a water park and some one yelled "Call 911!" I tried to mutter out "No, that's too expensive!" FML

by extremereviews / 08/16/2015 at 6:14pm / United States (Texas) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had a call to the rodent rescue I run. They wanted to know if we had any mice for adoption and how much they cost. I told them that we had over 30 mice, and that we don't charge but do take donations. They said, "That's fantastic! I've been struggling to find snake food that isn't frozen!" FML

by bekkylove22 / 05/27/2015 at 4:45am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I got into a heated argument with my girlfriend. Not because of anything I did, but because she actually believes that pasteurization is when a pastor blesses a dairy product. "You know, like kosher." FML

by Anonymous / 05/26/2015 at 11:12am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I missed my bus. But it didn't miss me. I've been in the hospital for 8 hours with a broken leg. FML

by FrickingBusDrivers / 05/21/2015 at 9:55pm / United States (Michigan) / Transportation

Today, I kept hearing a child creepily giggling in my living room. I couldn't sleep and got so scared that I started considering hiring an exorcist. Long story short: be careful if you have Bluetooth speakers, because your dickhead neighbor might hack them and start fucking with you. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2015 at 1:42pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, while with a large group of friends, my best friend started talking about my struggles with dating and intimacy. I quietly asked her to stop talking about it, as it was personal and I wasn't comfortable with everyone else knowing. Her response? "Um, it's really none of your business." FML

by guitarki / 04/26/2015 at 2:49pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had to arrest my own boyfriend for public sex. FML

by RBergman / 04/25/2015 at 4:05pm / United States (Wyoming) / Love

Today, a friendly game of Cards Against Humanity somehow ended in a screaming match, my best friend's mother pulling out her tits, and me getting bit in the foot by a dog. FML

by ThatSlappinBass / 04/17/2015 at 10:00pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.