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crystalmonkeys

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crystalmonkeys

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  • Number of visits : 696
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  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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crystalmonkeys's page activity

Visits<b>ForwardUn2Dawn</b> - the 09/20/2013 at 6:34am

crystalmonkeys's FML badges

The Mixer

You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.

Judgmental

You’ve now voted that they totally deserved it more than 100 times.

50 favourites

Love knows no boundaries. You’ve already got 50 FMLs in your favourites list!

See all of crystalmonkeys's badges

crystalmonkeys's favorite FMLs

Today, I called a suicide prevention hotline. The guy who picked up sounded drunk, told me to fuck off, and hung up. FML

#21342247
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34507) - you deserved it (2944)

On 01/22/2015 at 12:55pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, a homeless guy tried to light my hair on fire with a match at the bus stop. FML

#21342118
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26296) - you deserved it (2080)

On 01/22/2015 at 5:40am - misc - by burningman (man) - Germany (Hessen)

Today, just to win a bet against my mum that he could make me scream like a bitch, my dad faked his own suicide. He went the whole mile: fake blood everywhere, fake gun, yelling "Goodbye!" and playing a loud gunshot sound effect from his PC, everything. My dad won; my underwear lost. FML

#21339686
176 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36625) - you deserved it (3256)

On 01/18/2015 at 4:58pm - misc - by pissed out pants (man) - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a homeless guy in the street. It really upset me how everyone's spirit of giving vanished as soon as Christmas was over, so I said fuck it and gave him about $50 worth of money. I barely made it 10 feet away, when another guy mugged him for the money I just gave. FML

#21330614
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35387) - you deserved it (2966)

On 01/04/2015 at 11:58am - money - by Anonymous (man) - Denmark (Midtjylland)

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Things got heated and I yelled, "Who's your daddy?" With a blank expression she replied, "I don't know." FML

#21326143
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29373) - you deserved it (14725)

On 12/28/2014 at 9:49pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Delaware)

Today, thanks to some asswipe drunk driver fleeing the cops the wrong way down a one-way street, I've now had my third wreck this year. My insurance premium's now higher than Bob Marley in a weed factory. FML

#21321099
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31472) - you deserved it (2731)

On 12/20/2014 at 7:53pm - money - by financially_wreckd (man) -

Today, my new friend tried to introduce me to "American Culture," as I am new to the city. He explained what a hamburger is and how it differs from the Asian food I was used to eating. I moved from Seattle and have worked at Burger King. FML

#21317624
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32685) - you deserved it (2465)

On 12/14/2014 at 10:30pm - misc - by AsianSensation (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I asked my teacher how old he was, and jokingly I said, "50?" Then he chuckled, so I laughed and said, "I was kidding… 42, 43, 44?" He then looked at me and said, "Are you trying to guess my age, or your grade percent in this class?" FML

#21315734
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20389) - you deserved it (26053)

On 12/11/2014 at 6:13pm - work - by IHateSchool-.- - United States

Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML

#21315542
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28438) - you deserved it (3228)

On 12/11/2014 at 11:10am - work - by anyoldnamewilldo (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, my mom texted me and asked what I was up to. In response, I joked, "Dancing on the dining room table, waving dad's Calvin Klein's in the air, and shooting bullets into her bedroom floor." Not only did the cops show up, but now I'm grounded for two weeks for being, "deceptively believable." FML

#21314000
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31673) - you deserved it (5364)

On 12/08/2014 at 7:38pm - misc - by #goodbyelife - United States

Today, I went on a date with a girl who had to cut our date short so she could go on another one. FML

#21313753
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34316) - you deserved it (3267)

On 12/08/2014 at 12:58pm - love - by Anonomous - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job, mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

#21283795
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35875) - you deserved it (4423)

On 10/23/2014 at 2:43pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife pressed a button in the elevator and quickly ran out, leaving me in there with my crying baby. When the elevator arrived at the floor, the doors opened on a wedding reception. The doors couldn't have taken any longer to close again FML

#21276854
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35146) - you deserved it (3223)

On 10/13/2014 at 11:42am - kids - by Anonymous - Australia (South Australia)

Today, was the day I would turn my life around and start losing weight. I went outside for my first run and said, "I got this!" I confidently stepped forward, the first symbolic steps to my new life. In the anticipation, I forgot my porch had steps. I face-planted on my driveway. FML

#21271662
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36474) - you deserved it (7263)

On 10/05/2014 at 11:17pm - health - by PickYourselfUp (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I sat in on a university-level physics lecture, listening to my hyped-up co-students approximating the hypothetical situation of the Sun consisting of gerbils. The conversation then continued towards how much better energy/mass ratio the gerbil-sun would have compared to the actual star. FML

#21258867
88 comments


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