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cooper_trooper's favorite FMLs
Today, I was out clubbing, when I saw a pair of very cute girls sitting at the bar, so I went over, hoping to introduce myself. I swung my leg over the stool, and through no fault of my own, sat on my own balls. I quickly got thrown out for "harassing the ladies." FML
by Anonymous / 11/30/2012 at 7:31pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, it's the first day of my two-week stay at my in-laws' house. They forbid drinking, smoking, cursing, and anything even remotely sexual. I smuggled in my quietest toy to keep me sane in this holy house. If only I hadn't forgotten to bring the battery pack too. FML
by comeuntome / 11/29/2012 at 2:42pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, I came home to my mother-in-law wearing the gold chain which I usually keep in a hidden drawer. I searched my drawer only to find out my chain was missing. I asked my mother-in-law if she took it and she keeps denying the fact that she stole it from me. My husband is on her side. FML
by elizabeth / 11/29/2012 at 3:01am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous
Today, I'm recovering in the emergency room. How did I get here? Intoxicated at a coed party, I saw a hole in the host's shed and thought it funny to christen it a "glory-hole", only to be bitten by what may well have been a black widow spider. FML
by Widowmaker / 11/28/2012 at 1:09pm / United States (Nevada) / Health
by Anonymous / 11/28/2012 at 1:32am / United States (Wisconsin) / Love
by Bliggins / 11/27/2012 at 10:08pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Love
Today, my husband ran a nice warm bubble bath with extra bubbles. I undressed and slid down into the tub only to have the most ungodly pain go up my backside. Turns out he knocked his razor into the water when he added the bubbles. I now have two butt cracks. FML
by Cracky / 11/27/2012 at 9:32am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was separating my notes into two piles: one to save for exam studying and one to throw out. I finished separating, picked up the junk pile and absentmindedly shredded it. Afterwards, I looked down to see the junk pile still completely intact. Goodbye, passing grades. FML
by shark / 11/26/2012 at 10:03pm / United States (Texas) / Work
Today, I decided to be responsible and call a cab to take my drunk ass home from the bar. As I climbed into the cab, I was quickly pulled back out and had the shit beaten out of me by a group of drunk guys who thought they needed the ride more. The police soon arrived and arrested us all. FML
by ronboy / 11/26/2012 at 6:11pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation
by Teddy / 11/26/2012 at 3:54pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had some soup that my dad made. I took one sip and found he had put tons of hot sauce in it. I rushed to drink from a soda can sitting on the counter, only to find that my mom had used it as an ash tray the night before. I can still taste the hot sauce, and the ash. FML
by Autocorrected / 11/26/2012 at 3:13pm / Philippines (Manila) / Miscellaneous
Today, in a state of extreme boredom, I decided to dress my 6-month-old son in girl's clothes. As he sat in my lap in a frilly dress, and as I was placing a very pink and lacy bow on his head, my mother-in-law unexpectedly walked in. She now thinks I'm mentally unstable and should be in therapy. FML
by ekm86 / 11/26/2012 at 11:52am / United States (Oregon) / Kids
Today, my parents told me that they had joined a local club. Proud of them for going out of their comfort zone to make new friends, I googled the name of the club. I'm sure they'll make some lifelong friends at their first swingers club meet. FML
by Anonymous / 11/26/2012 at 8:30am / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Intimacy
Today, I played paintball with a bunch of friends. By the end of the day, my girlfriend and I were the only people left on the field. She shot me mercilessly, and I screamed like a little girl. 30 people watched, 4 people filmed. FML
by Z / 11/26/2012 at 5:26am / Australia / Miscellaneous
- Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with,… Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded… Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom…