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cooper_trooper's favorite FMLs
by Sarah / 01/01/2013 at 10:15am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to a concert with my girlfriend. Some guy grabbed her ass, and I tried to fight him. I ended up with a concussion and a messed up jaw. Her? Oh, she beat the shit out of him while I was unconscious. FML
by Anonymous / 01/01/2013 at 5:30am / United States (Kansas) / Health
by Anonymous / 01/01/2013 at 1:12am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boss put me on suspension, a week after granting a subordinate time off to recover from surgery. When I signed the paperwork, I was too embarrassed to admit I didn't understand her writing, which apparently said she was getting treated for "dangerously low levels of dick". FML
by offtothejobcentre / 12/31/2012 at 5:42pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML
by shattysituation / 12/31/2012 at 5:36pm / United States / Work
by aelia_oups / 12/31/2012 at 5:09pm / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 12/31/2012 at 6:16am / United States (Washington) / Health
Today, my dad asked me when I was going to start looking for a job. Jokingly, I told him next year. He got pissed, started to yell, then realized Tuesday is New Year's Day and grounded me for "being a dumbass." FML
by BAMN2187 / 12/30/2012 at 10:51pm / United States / Work
by Anonymous / 12/30/2012 at 9:45pm / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me with the prettiest, most simple ring I have ever seen. I called my sister to tell her the good news, and her response was, "I know. He had me steal the ring from Claire's." FML
by Anonymous / 12/30/2012 at 6:58pm / United States (Colorado) / Love
Today, I went to church for the first time in my life. They had a Jesus statue at the altar, and I noticed he was surprisingly muscular. Ten minutes later, I had to excuse myself, after I caught myself fantasizing over a crucified Jesus. FML
by Weirdo / 12/30/2012 at 1:39pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I tried to be cute by sitting on top of my boyfriend's belly. While getting on top, I accidentally kneed him in his nuts. In pain, he jolted his head up and ended up banging his head against mine. Now I have a black eye and he can't walk without waddling. FML
by Anonymous / 12/30/2012 at 3:29am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML
by avoid the sour cream / 12/30/2012 at 1:14am / United States / Work
by melas303 / 12/29/2012 at 7:22pm / United States / Love
by Amathiel / 12/29/2012 at 10:23am / Norway (Sogn og Fjordane) / Health
- 1Today, my parents let me babysit my baby sister for the first time. About an hour after they left,… 2Today, I saw an elderly lady fall over in the street. Nobody bothered to do anything, so I went… 3Today, I was fired for being late to work, even though the only reason I was late was because I had…