About clareobryan : I like cats and Ostin.
clareobryan's FML badges
This isn't what should be happening
You've set the cat off again, he's started pushing fruit out of bodies of water. Well done.
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clareobryan's favorite FMLs
Today, while working at Starbucks, a man came in and placed his order. I made his drink, topped it with whipped cream, and put the lid on. Some cream was seeping out of the top. He looked at me and said, "Good... you left a nipple..." and slowly licked it off. FML
by Anonymous / 03/09/2013 at 1:06am / United States / Work
by WeHitTurbulence / 03/08/2013 at 1:01am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy
Today, while riding the train home, I noticed a man who kept looking at me. Annoyed, I told him to be less obvious and to stop staring. He promptly responded, "Bitch, I'm gay, and even I can tell no one would want to look at you." FML
by assoutofuandme / 02/14/2013 at 2:39am / United States (California) / Transportation
by Anonymous / 02/03/2013 at 8:20pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, it's been two months since I got a kitten. He loves to hide, and then surprise me by jumping out of his hiding place. It was quite a surprise when he launched himself out of my bag during class. FML
Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML
by Anonymous / 12/20/2012 at 4:49pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work
Today, my friend showed me a video of me in a nightclub. I was holding two Skittles vodka shots and shouting, "Red and green, merry Kwanzaa!" The shots were yellow and purple. I can't remember that night at all. FML
by Kallian / 11/09/2012 at 1:47am / Australia / Miscellaneous
by CutestBoysEver / 10/29/2012 at 9:30pm / United States (Colorado) / Kids
by Anonymous / 10/18/2012 at 1:33am / United States / Animals
Today, my new boyfriend came over to my apartment for the first time. Up until now I thought he was great, but when he spotted the book I'm currently reading next to my couch, he uttered the immortal question, "Why do you read?" FML
by Anonymous / 09/28/2012 at 1:18am / United States (New Mexico) / Love
Today, I saw a shady looking person on the street. As I walked past him, he said, "Hey, come here." Thinking he needed something, I went over. He handed me several pictures of my wife, in public and at home. I've never seen this man before in my life. FML
by ahappypenguin / 09/26/2012 at 12:07am / Miscellaneous
by scarred for life / 09/21/2012 at 6:57am / Canada (Ontario) / Work
Today, after my annoying neighbor who used to spend hours playing the cello in the apartment below me finally moved out, I found out that I have a new musical neighbor moving in. This fellow plays the bagpipes. FML
by PissedbythePiper / 09/11/2012 at 2:11am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous
by weave9z / 09/03/2012 at 10:08pm / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous
Today, a guy said to me, "I'd really love to see that smile back at my place." Trying to be cute, I asked him if he was single. He replied with, "No, but I am a dentist. I could definitely fix that crossbite." FML
by wut / 08/05/2012 at 1:23am / United States / Health
- Today, I screamed so hard during a nightmare that I developed Laryngitis. I work in a call center.… Today, I had to work a double shift as a server with a multi-fractured foot because my boss decided… Today my manager tried to force me to sign an employee contract (I've worked here a year) that she…