About cj89898 : I like computers and dislike bullshit. Also, homework is a thing I dislike...
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cj89898's favorite FMLs
by Gas-pingForAir / 09/19/2016 at 4:59am / United States (Missouri) / Love
Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off and decided to give us both a lecture about it. My brother ended up saying "If god doesn't want me to jerk off, how come he made my knob the perfect shape to fit in my hand?" I burst out laughing and now we're both grounded. FML
by CyberPsycho / 08/19/2016 at 4:57pm / United States (Tennessee) / Health
Today, I went to the chiropractor for a check up. She was going through some of the ways to help my posture and mentioned something that I've never heard before. My fat ass thought it was a type of food. Turns out it was a sports routine. FML
by Epithymia / 08/15/2016 at 11:09am / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Health
by datingfail / 08/14/2016 at 8:06am / Australia (Victoria) / Love
Today, I've been begging my boyfriend to get us a dog for months now. This morning, I noticed he'd bought some toilet paper with dogs printed on it. I asked him if it was a sign. He replied, "Yeah, one you can stick up your ass." FML
by Confession / 05/15/2016 at 10:07pm / Belgium / Animals
Today, the play I was directing opened. The curtain opened, and my lead actor and actress weren't prepared. I could tell from the looks on their faces as the whole audience saw him balls deep in her, doggy style, on stage. FML
by headinabag33 / 02/14/2016 at 8:57pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy
Today, I went to take a dump at work. The silence in the room was deafening, and I ended up singing to myself. After I proudly finished, there was a short silence, followed by a coworker in the next stall saying, "Um... don't quit the day job, Rick." I'll never live this down. FML
by not telling you my name / 08/07/2015 at 11:16am / United States (Indiana) / Work
by Squishy / 08/22/2010 at 7:19pm / United Kingdom (Cornwall) / Love
by one_BAMF / 07/25/2010 at 1:06am / Canada (Ontario) / Health
Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML
by SpiderMan / 03/11/2009 at 8:23pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
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