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  • - Concept : An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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choppedNskrewed

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choppedNskrewed
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  • Number of visits : 78981
  • Number of comments : 130
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 1 posted

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choppedNskrewed's favorite FMLs

Today, as I was bent over at my waitressing job an elderly woman walked by and smacked my ass. I looked at her, shocked, and she said, "It was too tempting with you bent over like that, I have a dirty old mind." I didn't know whether to be flattered or horrified. Maybe both. FML

#3661940 (146)

I agree, your life sucks (36082) - you deserved it (4350)

On 07/11/2009 at 5:10am - work - by grannysmack (woman) - United States (Iowa)

Today, I was getting a pedicure and the woman sitting next to me asked the lady if she could take the skin she had scraped off my feet home to her birds because they love skin. She then describes for 20 minutes how her birds love to sit on her when her sunburn is peeling and eat her skin. FML

#3199302 (294)

I agree, your life sucks (65734) - you deserved it (2326)

On 06/25/2009 at 4:34am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I had to play the role of superman in a production on stage. They had to stuff my underwear because my 'thing' wasn't big enough. FML

#2769644 (207)

I agree, your life sucks (61264) - you deserved it (4715)

On 06/10/2009 at 11:46am - misc - by superman_not (man) - United Kingdom (Perth and Kinross)

Today, I was sitting in my basement watching IT. I heard a knocking at my door and turned the outside lights on to see a clown outside staring in at me. I freaked out and began screaming and jumping around like a Chihuahua on drugs. My friends told me it should be on YouTube within the week. FML

#2405054 (256)

I agree, your life sucks (41667) - you deserved it (6004)

On 05/29/2009 at 4:14pm - misc - by dumbo (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML

#2147353 (358)

I agree, your life sucks (68944) - you deserved it (32612)

On 05/21/2009 at 3:18pm - intimacy - by a (woman) - United Kingdom (Hertford)

Today, I was hanging out with a few of my friends, including an old ex-girlfriend and her current boyfriend of 5 years. When my ex, whose virginity I had taken years earlier, mentioned, "I had the iPhone first," without thinking, I immediately responded, "Well, I had YOU first." FML

#2103981 (283)

I agree, your life sucks (13622) - you deserved it (66148)

On 05/20/2009 at 1:10am - intimacy - by Takuma (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, as I was watching a DVD, I noticed a spider crawling on my crotch area. So, I panicked and smashed the spider, smashing my nuts in the process. FML

#2078869 (140)

I agree, your life sucks (13021) - you deserved it (49354)

On 05/19/2009 at 1:06pm - animals - by jrocks (man) - United States (California)

Today, I went bowling. The guy at the lane next to us was bowling by himself and had a few of his own bowling balls, and he had one that looked like a yin-yang and it looked very cool spinning down the lane into the pins. Not really thinking, I casually said to him "Hey, I like your balls." FML

#2039933 (117)

I agree, your life sucks (10962) - you deserved it (38543)

On 05/18/2009 at 1:12am - misc - by nothing (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping in the dog world meant dominance. Well, I decided to instill my dominance and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

#2026481 (435)

I agree, your life sucks (22252) - you deserved it (97763)

On 05/17/2009 at 7:40pm - animals - by sucks (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat and scare it with a loud "boo!" The cat responded by jumping up, and running across my apartment, which would have been fine, except for the fact she left a trail of liquid shit everywhere she went. FML

#1930454 (224)

I agree, your life sucks (12152) - you deserved it (68489)

On 05/14/2009 at 1:46pm - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Kentucky)

Today, while teaching English in Korea, my boss gave me a birthday present from her and all of my co-workers. It was a really fancy box. It had very nice wrapping. It had a pretty bow. It was kind of heavy. It was 6 bottles of dandruff shampoo. FML

#1892907 (94)

I agree, your life sucks (35815) - you deserved it (5617)

On 05/13/2009 at 12:39am - work - by eslteacher (man) - Korea Republic of (Seoul-t'ukpyolsi)

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while and realized that I can lift way more with my left hand than with my right even though I am right handed. I also realized that I jack off with my left hand. FML

#1881658 (175)

I agree, your life sucks (8096) - you deserved it (40441)

On 05/12/2009 at 7:08pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I took a call. Wrong number. A few seconds later, they called back and I told her that she had the wrong number. She said she just hit redial and didn't understand how she got me again. I tried to explain how redial works. She called me a moron and hung up. Then my phone rang again. FML

#1872793 (230)

I agree, your life sucks (75187) - you deserved it (3288)

On 05/12/2009 at 1:39pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, a friend and I went to Gamestop to pick up a game he wanted. I ended up buying a 17+ game, and I was prepared to show my license, but he stopped me an said, "I know you're 18". He then said, "Man, I've pretty much watched you grow up in this store." A game salesman watched me grow up. FML

#1868155 (331)

I agree, your life sucks (16918) - you deserved it (43076)

On 05/12/2009 at 7:09am - misc - by Rech (man) - United States (Minnesota)

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was jogging in my neighborhood when I saw a kid's ball roll over to where I was jogging. I stopped grabbed the ball for the kid and started to hand it to him. He then yelled "Stranger Danger" and his parents came sprinting out. I had to explain the story to the police for 30mins. FML

#1864532 (185)

I agree, your life sucks (47645) - you deserved it (1812)

On 05/12/2009 at 1:25am - misc - by TheJoker (man) - United States (Texas)