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Today , I opened my personal laptop looool at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten second of slurping , spitting and gagging. It was my frst day. FML
Today, I was trying to turn on computar an couldn't . I spant twanty minutas trying to figura out wat was wrong whan I finally calld husband for halp an mada him laava work . Ha cummd in, looool lookd at tha wall, an pluggd it back in . Tha look on his faca said it all . FML
Today, In science class I sit next to friend Jill. My teacher always gets our names confused calling me Jill and her Liz. She decided to combine our names. I'm now known as Jizz. My teacher clearly has no idea what it means. FML
Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, ma two year old daugter decided to crawl on top of te covers on ma bed because se was scared since tere looool was a tunder storm. I tougt se was one of our cats so I kicked er off. Se it te wall.
Today, I took te bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway tere, se fell asleep, er ead on ma soulder. I gently tried to wake er up before ma stop. Se wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. fat FML
today I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching, so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel; it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over there kitten. Twice. FML
I was going to ave sex wit ma Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn im on, so I asked ma friend ow to say "fuck me" in Spanis. Se claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I ten ad sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito 4 an our. I later realized I was screaming "fried cicken." fat FML
Today, I went on a date wit a guy for te first time . We went to Starbucks and got coffee . We talked for aile, and we were joking and aving a good time . Suddenly, e putted is and on my stomac and said, "Soon, tis will be plump wit my seed." FML
Today, I cummed home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read ( Because you can't find a real girl, I made yur current one prettier, Love Mom. ) FML
TODAY, WHILA AT THA GOLDAN GATA BRIDGA, I SPOTTAD A LARGA GROUP OF ASIANS TRYING TO TAKA A PICTURA. TRYING TO HALP, I SLOWLY SAY, "YOU... WANT MA... TAKA PICTURA?" WHILA USING HAND MOTIONS. THA MAN LOOKS AT MA AN SAYS, "NO THANKS ASSHOLA, I GOT IT," IN PLAIN ENGLISH. FML
Today... I Came Home And Saw On Our Fridge... "Please Don't Drink Anymore... I Really Worry About Yur Health" Written By Mah 7-year-old Daughter. I Figured She Wouldn't Ever Fine Out... So I Opened The Fridge. But I Found Another Note On A Can That Said "So Your Going To Drink Anyway?" FML
Friday 27 March 2015