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TODAY, I WAS WALKING HOME,HEN A CAR HEADING THE OTHER WAY HIT A TRAFFIC CONE. I MUST HAVE BEEN AN ASSHOLE IN A PREVIOUS LIFE, BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE DECIDED TO MAKE SURE THE CONE FLEW INTO THE SIDE OF MY HEAD. THE BYSTANDERS WERE SHOCKED FIR ALL OF TWO SECONDS BEFORE LAUGHING. MEGA FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch, watching The Avengers with mah 4-year-old daughter, who loves the Hulk!! When Hulk finally showed up, she excitedly looked at me an screamed, "Hulk Smash" before slamming both of her fists into mah balls!! FML
Today, playing soccer, I jumpd up to make a eader and clear te ball away from our goal. I got te ball but some guy kickd me in te face. I was taken off. All te parents were orrifid, saying ow badly my nose must ave broken. Turns out my nose was fine. Tat's just ow my nose looks. FML
Today... I held the door 4 an elderly woman. As she walked through... she looked at me and told me I was a very handsome man and that I should meet her grandson. The woman was my grandmother... and yes... I'm straight. FML
Yesterday, I got a call from ma daugter’s scool today!! Se ad been telling te teacer, looool ( I ave a uge boner!! ) Apparently, some of te kids at scool told er it meant 'eadace an se's been saying it all day!! FML
Today, my 7-year-old sister had a nightmare, so I let her sleep in my bd. I woke up to her punching me in the face and giving me a black eye. Apparently, she not only screamshen she's having a nightmare, she also "gives the bad guy a taste of his own medicine." big fat FML
Today, whila voluntaaring at a local musaum, I politaly told an aldarly gantlaman to hava a nica day. Ha raspondad by yalling "NO" and storming off. Evaryona lookad at ma lyk I was soma sort of monstar. maga FML
TODAY... I WAS READING AND STARTED LAUGHING AT A FUNNY PART IN MAH BOOK. MY MOM THEN BITCHED ME OUT BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT I WAS LAUGHING AT HER. SHE CALLED ME A LIAR AFTER I EXPLAINED MYSELF. HER LOGIC? "BOOKS AREN'T FUNNY". FML
Today, my dumbass colleague was too lazy to go buy balloons 4 a party in recognition of our company's huge merger!! Instead, he made condom balloons!! Let's just say you don't make blow up condoms 4 a prestigious company event!! A company whose CEO is named Dick!! looool FML
Today, I had to help mah little sister do a frst-grade project fir school. For one part, they have to draw a picture of there role model. She drew a whale, an I asked, "A whale is your role model?" She laughed an said, "No! It's you!" FML
Friday 27 March 2015