About captain2obvious : "What is today?" "It's tomorrows yesterday".
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captain2obvious's favorite FMLs
by chawlay / 07/05/2011 at 10:04am / United States (New York) / Work
by Mom / 06/11/2011 at 1:25pm / United States (Minnesota) / Intimacy
by Flarewolf / 06/04/2011 at 2:09pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous
Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML
by Anonymous / 05/20/2011 at 7:30pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, I locked myself in the bathroom and started spanking the ferret. I started to get really into it when my dad started pounding on the door and yelled, "Son, that's great staying power, but can you finish up already?" FML
by Anonymous / 05/06/2011 at 2:09pm / Saudi Arabia / Intimacy
Today, I walked out of my house, waved at my neighbors, walked through my front yard and into the side yard to turn off the sprinkler. It wasn't until I was back into the house that I remembered I wasn't wearing a top. FML
by eringoBRA / 05/06/2011 at 10:07am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
by liynda / 05/05/2011 at 9:49pm / Canada / Miscellaneous
by Charlie / 05/04/2011 at 11:30pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was at the bakery I work at. A man came in to pick up a cake he said he ordered, but we could find neither the cake nor the order form. He yelled at me about being 'incompetent' before remembering that he had ordered the cake from a different bakery. FML
by Anonymous / 04/25/2011 at 6:38pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work
by Jill / 04/09/2011 at 6:00pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
by omg / 03/24/2011 at 8:43pm / Canada (Alberta) / Kids
Today, while at a boring lecture, I heard some people behind me whispering and laughing. I turned around, wondering what was so funny, which made them laugh even more. I then realised it looked like I'd been giving my pen a blowjob for the last 10 minutes. FML
by gayboii / 03/19/2011 at 5:37pm / United Kingdom (Glasgow City) / Intimacy
Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML
by terrible kenny / 01/30/2011 at 4:24am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 10/03/2009 at 9:03pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
Today, I was picking my daughter up at day care. She was outside playing kick ball. A red ball rolls over to me, and trying to impress the kids, I kicked it over the slide. I turn around to see three crying six year olds. It was their hamster ball. FML
by Anonymous / 08/05/2009 at 1:10pm / United States (New York) / Kids
- 1Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation… 2Today, I was fired for being late to work, even though the only reason I was late was because I had… 3Today, I saw an elderly lady fall over in the street. Nobody bothered to do anything, so I went…
- Today, I’m teaching French in a university in India. One of the students asked me if Paris was the… Today, I’m a bus driver in Paris. A guy got on with a sheep. I told him that you can’t take the bus… Today, a car almost hit me. Since I wasn’t hurt, the driver chased me with a baseball bat to finish…