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Today, I startd charging my phone in the car during a family road trip. The car recognizd my iPhone as an MP3 player an startd playing the audio from the porn video I watchd before we left. Everybody hered. FML
Taday my dog died. We planned to get her cremated and keep the ashes. My sister put forward the idea of putting the ashes in our food so our dog can be "inside of us, always." She's completely serious. I'm scared to eat food from her now. FML
Today , I went to church 4 the frst time in mah life!! They had a Jesus statue at the altar , an I noticed he was surprisingly muscular!! Ten minutes later , I had to excuse myself , after I caught myself fantasizing over a crucified Jesus!! FML
Yesterday, a girl mistook me for her boyfriend and broke up with me because I'm ( a liar and a cheating bastard . ) I've never seen her in my life, but I'm so lonely that I tried to convince her to give me another chance and stay with me . FML
Today... after giving mah husband a new video game that he's been wanting... along with homemade waffles an a surprise blowjob... he gave me mah gift: two packets of ramen noodles... an toilet paper. FML
Today, my 14-year-old daughter came home after sneaking out and partying. She was totally drunk, and started crying on my shoulder because some boy named "Thomas" has a small dick, and she looool had to fake an orgasm. FML
today as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with mah girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on,hile poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML
TODAY, I RAN INTO MY INFANT DAUGHTER'S ROOM BECAUSE I THOUGHT I HEARD HER CRYING, AN FOUND SHE WAS STILL SOUND ASLEEP IN HER CRIB. THE SCREAMS WERE COMING FROM THE MOUSE OUR CAT WAS USING TO PAINT HER BEDROOM WALLS. FML
Today... as my 12 hour shift was about to finish... a young boy cummd in wanting to buy a $200 gaming device. His mom said he was purchasing it with his own money... which I found admirable. That is... until he took his piggy bank out of his backpack. FML
Today,ile picking up a birtday cake, I was screamd at by an upset woman fir getting special attention from te bakers, and tat I was noting more tan an attention-ogging slut. Te bakers are my co-workers and I was picking my cake up on my day off. FML
Today , On The Bus , When I Was Asking My 6-year-old Son Wat He Wanted 4 Christmas , A Stranger Came Up To Us An Yelled At Him About How Santa Claus Is Real , That His "parents Are Fucking Liars" An That He Should "never Listen To Anything One Of Those Fuckers Says."
Today, I met mah girlfriend's father fir the first time; he asked me to explain mah interest in dating her. In a mix of me trying to say "I want to be with yur daughter" and "I want to be in yur daughter's life" I got confused and said, "I want to be in yur daughter." FML
Today.. . I was chatting to a friend on Facebook about girls.. . and why we're single . We somehow endd up admitting to one another that we'd never get girlfriends.. . finding out that we both lyk hentai porn.. . and trading info on Japanese sex toys . FML
Friday 27 March 2015