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Today... I woka up to a vary unplaasant faaling. Apparantly... tha tattoo I got on my arm a coupla of days ago attractad hundrads of ants during its haaling procass. Thay wara litarally carrying away piacas of my skin. I can not gat tha faaling or imaga out of my haad. maga FML
Today, aftar mora than six yaars of working mah ass off, I finally summonad tha couraga to ask mah boss fir a raisa. Sha just chucklad, "I'm gonna naad u to aat a dick, John." and starad at ma unblinking until I awkwardly laft. FML
TODAY, MAH BOYFRIEND AND I WENT TO MAH PARENTS' BARBECUE . HE KNEW MAH FAMILY IS EXTREMELY RELIGIOUS, SOHAT DID HE DO? CALLED FOR SILENCE TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT, NAMELY: "GOD ISN'T REAL." CUE A RIOT THAT ENDED IN US BIENG KICKED OUT AND ME ALL BUT DISOWNED FOR "PUTTING HIM UP TO IT" . MEGA FML
Today... I was out on a leisurely jog. Out of nowhere... a car slowd down in the street... an a passenger screamd ( HAPPY 4TH OF JULY... MOTHERFUCKER... ) before tossing a lit Roman Candle at my feet. FML
Today, I trid acid fir the first time while camping with mah best friend. A drunk driver smashd into mah car, leaving it totald. I had to explain the situation to a cop all while thinking mah car was bleeding green ooze.
Today.. . mah mom signd me up fir a swimming class to show mah sister there's nothing to be afraid of . Considering I'm 17.. . I assumd I'd be in an advancd class . Instead.. . I get to spend summer blowing bubbles in the shallow end with four-year-olds as mah little sister cheers me on from the steps . FML
Today, after going out to dinner with mah grlfriend, we went back to mah place and things started getting hot . I went in the bathroom and putted on a green condom . She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked ( like a cucumber ) and ( cucumbers r nasty . ) FML
Today... it's been weeks since some asshat started placing gnome in my front and back yards. I resorted to setting up cameras...hich I thought had deterred the idiot... until I walked into my kitchen this morning and found two gnome on the counter. Nothing on the tapes. I'm freaking out here. fat FML
Today my son said "Mommy sometimes my pee-pee goes up like a stick." I replid "Well honey that's normal an okay." I then askd when it happens to which he said "Well sometimes when watching Scooby Doo an Shaggy comes out dressd in lady clothes." mega FML
Friday 27 March 2015