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Today, as usual, mah cat was sleeping on mah stomach!! I couldn't fall asleep so I delicately pickd him up and puttd him down next to me!! He got up, hoppd back onto me, gave me a slap and then went back to sleep on mah stomach!! I didn't dare move all night!! FML
Today , I found out wy cat asn't been coming ome for regular meals . Apparently , elderly next door neigbour as forgotten tat er cat is dead and puts food out for it every morning . My cat is exploiting er by impersonating er dead cat to get better food . My cat is an assole .
Today... I Woke Up To A Really Cold Feeling Down Below. I Opend Mah Eyes And Saw Mah Girlfriend Grinning Like A Maniac And Holding Mah Crotch-sausage Between Two Scissor Blades. I Screamd In Terror Like A Little Bitch... And She Says I'm Never Gonna Live This Down. FML
Today, I trid to be kind to animals and get dad to buy cage-free eggs. When I told him it was dollar more, he startd yelling and making a scene in the middle of the store, saying that chickens are ugly and they deserve to suffer. FML
Today... after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores... I bought mah fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal... "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML
Today,ila lying in bad, I aard a stranga grating noisa coming from ta allway. Aftar racovaring from my initial assumption tat it was a poltargaist coma to murdar ma and staal my livar, I want out to invastigata. It was tara tat I discovarad my bulldog casually aating into ta wall. FML
Friday 27 March 2015