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bluegreenfml

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bluegreenfml

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bluegreenfml's favorite FMLs

Today, while eating cotton candy, a drunk person came up to me and said "HEY! COTTON CANDY!" And bit me. FML

#21249322
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36287) - you deserved it (2689)

On 08/31/2014 at 10:18pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, after having recently told my 4-year-old daughter that she won't grow big and tall if she doesn't eat her veggies, she decided to pass this wisdom on to a midget that we passed in the store. FML

#20877041
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56218) - you deserved it (9176)

On 09/11/2013 at 2:10pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Florida)

Today, I took my 4-year-old son to the bank with me. He asked why we were going, and I explained that I had a couple of checks that they would turn into money. When we got in line, he loudly exclaimed that "Mommy has checks for money!" Except "checks" sounded almost exactly like "sex". FML

#20875776
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47435) - you deserved it (4071)

On 09/10/2013 at 2:30pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML

#20867249
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32909) - you deserved it (10336)

On 09/04/2013 at 7:18am - misc - by interphaseprophasemetaphase (woman) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML

#20824961
193 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47947) - you deserved it (23064)

On 08/07/2013 at 1:40am - animals - by Blood on my hands (woman) - United States

Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo 'stache", she painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van. FML

#20807393
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40269) - you deserved it (27222)

On 07/28/2013 at 12:59am - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML

#20745866
37 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49375) - you deserved it (8735)

On 06/25/2013 at 2:12am - misc - by anonymous - United States (Minnesota)

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

#20731352
169 comments

I agree, your life sucks (68908) - you deserved it (3953)

On 06/17/2013 at 12:43pm - intimacy - by hinting (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, at a family reunion, my visibly drunk grandparents heard about my new boyfriend, who is a cop. My gran asked if he ever made me feel like Rodney King in the bedroom. Then my grandpa, fresh off a DUI, asked if my boyfriend's dick is as bent as the police force. FML

#20727456
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40010) - you deserved it (3703)

On 06/15/2013 at 1:22pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, after dating for almost a year, I decided to introduce my parents to the man I was sure I'd fallen in love with. When dad saw him, his and my boyfriend's face completely dropped. I asked them what was wrong because I could feel the discomfort. Turns out, I'm dating my dad's drug dealer. FML

#20724998
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (72953) - you deserved it (7218)

On 06/14/2013 at 2:48am - love - by explanations (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind to go on a date with me. I then introduced him to my new, visually impaired boyfriend. He hasn't stopped laughing. FML

#20724232
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53222) - you deserved it (6516)

On 06/13/2013 at 8:30pm - love - by Anonymous - United Kingdom (Southampton)

Today, I ordered some burgers at a fast food joint. When I said, "No lettuce," the cashier looked dumbfounded and asked, "What's that?" I literally had to say, "The green stuff" before she got it. I'm losing hope. FML

#20724048
209 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50626) - you deserved it (3430)

On 06/13/2013 at 6:12pm - misc - by thatisfuckedup - United Kingdom

Today, my best friend was throwing me my bachelorette partly. A cop came by and said there have been complaints about the noise. Thinking he was the stripper we ordered, we pulled him into the house. He was an actual cop. FML

#20577218
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39703) - you deserved it (19419)

On 04/06/2013 at 8:55am - misc - by Evalynne - United States (Louisiana)

Today, my grandson visited me, and asked if I had any pictures of myself from when I was a little girl. I happily looked for a few photos to give him, asking what had piqued his curiosity. He replied that he wanted some for a presentation he's doing on the Middle Ages. FML

#20555821
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32202) - you deserved it (2695) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 03/22/2013 at 9:19pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - France (Lorraine)

Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma then screamed from upstairs, "She's not even physically active!" FML

#20548943
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48256) - you deserved it (14400)

On 03/18/2013 at 4:59am - intimacy - by Susan (woman) - Ireland



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