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blazon_paradox's favorite FMLs
by Deaf / 07/02/2015 at 2:59pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my husband felt dishonoured: his darling little girl, the love of his life, whom he's always considered pure, turns out to be pregnant. He's now warned her: she's grounded and that whoever did this to her had better not come hanging round the house. Pussy, two years old, is now housebound until her kittens are born. FML
by Anonyme / 09/26/2014 at 2:56am / France (Lorraine) / Animals
Today, I was having sex with this amazingly hot guy. Things got pretty intense, and right as I was about to orgasm, the gold crucifix came flying off his necklace and sliced my eyelid open. Message received. Well played, God. FML
by Sinnersinner / 09/21/2014 at 7:27am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I tried to scare what I thought was a stray cat away from my friend's car in our work parking garage by hitting the panic button on his keys, which did, indeed, make the creature panic. That's when I learned it was not a cat. It was a skunk. FML
by blazon_paradox / 09/16/2014 at 11:18pm / United States (Michigan) / Animals
by apparentlybutch / 09/05/2014 at 5:11pm / United States (Indiana) / Love
Today, my sister introduced me to her new, deaf boyfriend. She proudly proclaimed that she was trying to learn sign language for his sake, so he wouldn't have to read her lips. I'm also deaf and have been trying to get her to do the same for me for 20 goddamn years. FML
by SadAndDeaf / 09/02/2014 at 7:38pm / Miscellaneous
by not a dick-man / 08/12/2014 at 1:05pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy
Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned brood mare." FML
by Anonyname / 05/18/2014 at 3:14pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous
Today, I ran out of toilet paper. I yelled from the bathroom for my parents to bring me some toilet paper. My dad slipped one tiny piece of toilet paper under the door and boomed, "THE FINAL TEST." FML
by airhead2015 / 02/12/2014 at 12:57pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous
Today, I presented my child with the classic "Who came first, the chicken or the egg?" conundrum. In return, I got a detailed lecture on how birds evolved from dinosaurs, how life was created in the sea and an explanation about evolution. I got schooled by a 9 year old. FML
by Evolution mama / 02/05/2014 at 2:52pm / Iceland (Gullbringusysla) / Kids
Today, I introduced my dad, who is a surgeon, to the TV show House. I thought it'd be a good bonding experience. How wrong I was. He spent the whole time yelling about the "insane" medical inaccuracies, then lectured me about my crappy taste in TV. FML
by Anonymous / 12/31/2013 at 3:11pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by anon / 12/26/2013 at 7:08am / Australia / Love
Today, my elderly neighbor along with our community church's priest came to my house and demanded to "give them the girl". The girl is my 3-year-old daughter, who has natural born red irises and is photo-sensitive. And yes, we are also Romanian. FML
by OakStake / 12/08/2013 at 5:07pm / United States (New York) / Kids
by sister sister / 11/25/2013 at 12:38pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
by JustAnotherFML23 / 09/03/2013 at 9:32pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I was skyping this guy. It got heated; I took my clothes off as did he. Of course, the call… Today, I was smashing my lover and as soon I was about to nut, I tried to pull out but I stubbed my… Today, I was so sick of not getting any e-mails, that I borrowed a few books from the library, just…
- Today, a car almost hit me. Since I wasn’t hurt, the driver chased me with a baseball bat to finish… Today, on the road in China, I committed a small offense. A cop saw me, stopped me and told me that… Today, after seven months studying in Italy, I understood that the « Finocchio » nickname that my…