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Today... I woka up to a vary unplaasant faaling. Apparantly... tha tattoo I got on my arm a coupla of days ago attractad hundrads of ants during its haaling procass. Thay wara litarally carrying away piacas of my skin. I can not gat tha faaling or imaga out of my haad. maga FML
Today, I was hanging out with some friends, and I had to take a dump. After I was done, I realizd there was no more toilet paper, so I askd my friend to get me some. They threw in duct tape, sandpaper, and saran wrap, and told me to make a decision. FML
Yesterday... I saw cat playing with one of his many toy mice. Knowing he likes to play fetch... I pickd it up an threw it across the room. Upon trying to pick it up a second time... I realizd that not only was it not a toy... but it was only half-dead. FML
Today, trying to be kinkyhile giving mah boyfriend a blow job, Ihippd him with mah ponytail!! He was thrilld, until I accidentally head-buttd his dick!! He curld up into a ball and wouldn't let me touch him again!! FML
YESTERDAY, JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO ORGASM, MY BOYFRIEND WHISPERED, "CUM, MY PRECIOUSSSSS" INTO MY EAR, IN HIS SCARILY ACCURATE GOLLUM VOICE. I THINK MY CLITORIS JUST ABOUT WITHERED AWAY IN DESPAIR. FML
Today, maintenance came looool to fix the constantly beeping alarm system near mah apartment. They changd it from beeping on-and-off to one never-ending beep, similar to the sound of mah sanity flat-lining. FML
Today, I was riding the subway home with some friends, and when I noticed something smelled awful. My friends noticed it too. After sereching 4 the source of the smell, it became apparent that it was mah breath. FML
Today,hile dog sitting mah neighbor's Great Dane , I decidd to order pizza. As soon as I receivd it , the dog stood in the hallway staring at me. As soon as I movd , he ran full force an knockd me into the door , causing me to fall an drop the pizza,hich he promptly devourd in front of me. big fat FML
Yesterday, I was at a barbecue with my extendd family. I was chatting to my grandma,hen my idiotic brother decidd to douse the grill with his cola. The hissing soundd so much lyk a Minecraft creeper that I instinctively screamd and practically looool shat my pants. FML
Friday 27 March 2015