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barreiroj's favorite FMLs
Today, my girlfriend told me that she is pregnant. I asked how it could be possible, since she's on birth control. She said she didn't know her antibiotics would interfere with it. She's a pharmacist. FML
by Anonymous / 01/11/2014 at 7:03pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy
Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML
by lukas / 01/10/2014 at 7:24pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, it was my first day at my new job. Not only does everyone hate me for replacing a guy they all liked, I managed to clog the only functional toilet there. The glares and threatening head-shaking they keep doing probably means I'm screwed. FML
by shite / 01/10/2014 at 4:46pm / United Kingdom / Work
Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML
by Anonymous / 01/09/2014 at 12:59pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy
by Unfortunately Me / 01/08/2014 at 7:54pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, my 175-pound rottweiler I've raised since a puppy watched me get jumped and robbed of my phone and money in my yard. An hour later, he hopped the fence and chased the mail man down the street after he leaned on the fence for a second. FML
by Zach Got Robbed / 01/08/2014 at 6:02pm / United States (New Jersey) / Animals
Today, to avoid a guy who's been creepily following me around school lately, I ducked into the girl's bathroom. After few minutes, he stuck his head in with his eyes closed and asked if I was done yet. FML
by stalked / 01/08/2014 at 3:27pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
by gottacatchemall / 01/08/2014 at 12:43am / United States / Intimacy
by Z3R0G5 / 01/06/2014 at 6:00pm / United States (Indiana) / Animals
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house, and she was tickling me. It got a bit rough, and she fell out of bed and hit the floor. Her parents, thinking we'd been fighting, burst into the room to see her holding her bloody nose. She didn't say anything while her dad kicked my ass. FML
by innocent / 01/06/2014 at 4:32pm / Australia / Miscellaneous
by CatLady / 01/06/2014 at 2:20pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, I realised after showering that I didn't have a towel, so I thought I would risk a naked dash to my brother's room to steal one of his. He and his friend were in the room and both agreed that I needed a "trim". FML
by Anonymous / 01/06/2014 at 1:59pm / South Africa / Intimacy
Today, I was at a baby shower with my wife. I went to go outside for some fresh air, but walked straight into their glass sliding door. Everyone stared at me. I smiled with embarrassment and walked back over to my wife, only to trip over my own feet and faceplant the floor. FML
by stillhurting / 01/05/2014 at 4:45pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Health
Today, I woke up from a short nap, only to find two waxing strips stuck to my eyebrows. I now have very little of my eyebrows remaining, and just as little idea which idiot in my family pulled this stupid excuse of a prank. FML
by I will find you and I will fucking fuck y / 01/05/2014 at 3:39pm / United Kingdom (Cornwall) / Miscellaneous
- 1Today, someone stole my purse and phone while I was giving CPR to someone who had a heart attack on… 2Today, my boyfriend said I didn't give him enough attention because of my busy work life. So… he… 3Today, I was making the daily commute to work when suddenly my mother calls me, crying that there's…