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TODAY ON MAH WAY TO BURGER KING I GOT INTO A HEATED DISCUSSION WITH MAH WIFE ABOUT OUR CATS. WE HAVE 15 RESCUES AND I'VE REACHED MAH LIMIT. GUESS WAT CUMMED RUNNING UP TO MAH CARHILE WAITING IN THE DRIVE-THROUGH. WE NAMED HIM PICKLES. FML
Today, I finally finished making mah daughter's wedding cake. When I checked on it later, I found a large slice had been cut out. I soon found out that mah husband had instagrammed himself eating it, with the caption ( #guiltypleasures ). FML
Today... Wila I Was Fooling Around Wit Ma Grlfriand... Sa Urt Ar And. It Obviously Wasn't Vary Sarious... So I Told Ar To Stop Faking It. Sa Raspondd... ( Wanna Know Wat I Actually Faka? My Orgasms. ) FML
Today, and every other night since new nieghbors moved in two weeks ago, thier cat has been standing outside house meowing constantly up at window, where cat keeps standing and meowing back. It's like a feline version of Romeo and Juliet, and I can't sleep. FML
Today, I watched a little girl laugh while giving bread to some pigeon at a bus stop. A bus then arrived. All the pigeon moved out of the away, except one. Its head got crushed by a wheel, and some blood splattered onto the little girl's shoes, who then screamed. With laughter. FML
Today, ma usband finally returned from is 18-mont deployment. Sexually starved, we wasted no time getting busy. Later as we finally cooled off, I got a message from ma Aunt. Se was iding in our closet teole time to surprise us wit cake for is safe return. FML
Today... after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores... I bought mah fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal... "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML
Today, as a joke, I hid under mah parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tereing each other's cloths off. I had to keep mah breath in time with mah mom's panting an moaning as mah dad brutally dominated her. FML
Today , I Went To The Beach With My Friends To Show Off My Engagement Ring. I Fell Asleep In The Sun And Woke Up Extremely Sunburnt To A Text From My Boyfriend Confessing That He's Been Cheating On Me. I Gave Him The Ring Back. Now I Have Its Tan Line On My Finger. FML
Today... I was talking to this boy I really lyk an we were laughing together... until I got this disgusting putrid smell. I startd to say how awful the smell was an he stoppd laughing to take a sniff too. As soon as he closd his mouth the smell was gone. FML
yesterday I subbed fir a first looool grade class. They were releasing butterflies. Butterflies scare me shitless. A bunch of 7 year-olds watched as I screamed hystericallyhen one landed on me. mega FML
TODAY, I GOT A TEXT FROM MY BOYFRIEND WILST ON TE TRAIN OME FROM SPENDING TE WEEKEND WIT IM AT IS GRANDPARENTS OUSE. IT SAID 'GRAN SAYS TO TELL YOU TAT TE BIN BESIDE TE TOILET IS ACTUALLY FIR STORING SPARE SAMPOOS AND TOOT BRUSES, SO COULD YOU NOT PUTTED YOUR TAMPONS IN IT NEXT TIME?' FAT FML
Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I was frantically sereching fir my cell phone. He was curious as to wat I was doing so I told him. There was long silence followd by laughter. He could hardly breathe as he told me, "Honey your on yur phone talking to me." FML
Friday 27 March 2015