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audierunning's favorite FMLs
by ugh Buck! / 09/11/2013 at 12:57pm / United States / Animals
Today, I hooked up with the guy I've liked for a while, even though my friends joked that his large pickup truck meant that he was "compensating" for having a small penis. They were right. Very right. FML
by CityBoysNow / 09/10/2013 at 8:14pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy
Today, at my boyfriend's brother's house, I desperately needed to poop. After finishing my business, I realized the toilet wouldn't flush. I had to pull my poop out, wrap it in TP and make an excuse to go outside to throw it in a bush. The neighbor was watching. FML
by heyhijello / 09/09/2013 at 6:05pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was having dinner with my boyfriend's family, and he was saying how well his driving lessons are going. During this conversation his mum told him to "stop blowing your own trumpet." He replied, "If I could do that, I wouldn't need Anna." His dad gave him a high-five. FML
by NoMoreTrumpetBlowing / 08/14/2013 at 12:22pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy
by kenbez123 / 08/14/2013 at 3:55am / Malta / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 08/10/2013 at 12:02am / United States (California) / Kids
Today, I walked into an elderly man's room in the hospital I work to give him his food. After he struggled to sit up, I noticed his hand move down towards his crotch. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "I have to do this to my scrotum because it gets sweaty and sticks to my leg." FML
by scrotumscratcher / 07/25/2013 at 1:20am / United States (Wisconsin) / Work
by anonymous / 07/17/2013 at 12:48am / United States (Texas) / Animals
by needsnewshorts / 07/15/2013 at 9:42pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, after months of incredibly painful stomach cramps, I convinced my mom that I needed to see a doctor. Not even 2 minutes into the exam, the doctor tells me that I'm heavily constipated and advised some "prune juice" to help "clear all that shit out". My mom won't stop laughing at me. FML
by Anonymous / 06/27/2013 at 11:57pm / United States / Health
Today, I decided to try Karate. In an attempt to roundhouse-kick a hanging boxing glove, I knocked over a lamp, lost my balance and pulled down my curtains. My neighbor then looked through the window, started laughing and yelled, "KUNG FO POWA!" FML
by blahblah / 06/26/2013 at 9:57pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I foolishly thought that I was alone in the house, and let out a huge fart on the toilet. This went on for a while due to an upset stomach. I later walked into the living room only to find my parents and a few of their friends sitting on the couch, teary-eyed from laughing so much. FML
by vbecka / 06/26/2013 at 1:08pm / Norway (Oslo) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 06/25/2013 at 1:16pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML
by anonymous / 06/25/2013 at 2:12am / United States (Minnesota) / Geek
Today, I used a public restroom. I saw my sister's shoes walk into the stall next to me, so I gave her a little nudge with my foot. We then nudged each other until I walked out and saw a homeless man with the same shoes as my sister. He then tried to hold my hand. FML
by Anonymous / 06/25/2013 at 12:56am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
- 1Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation… 2Today, I was fired for being late to work, even though the only reason I was late was because I had… 3Today, I saw an elderly lady fall over in the street. Nobody bothered to do anything, so I went…