astonedraccoon

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astonedraccoon

0Fucked!

  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Saturday 3 July 1993 (22 years old)
  • <3 status : Single
  • Number of visits : 648
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 1 posted

About astonedraccoon : I'm here to laugh at the misfortune of others.

astonedraccoon's page activity

Visits<b>k_gils</b> - the 12/08/2013 at 10:58pm<b>Batgirl124</b> - the 08/28/2013 at 10:12pm<b>stripes97</b> - the 07/20/2013 at 10:06pm<b>QQMorePlox</b> - the 07/18/2013 at 1:18am<b>TourettesGuyFTW</b> - the 07/17/2013 at 10:40pm<b>CaptMurdock</b> - the 07/17/2013 at 6:31pm<b>lennelleong</b> - the 07/17/2013 at 1:43pm<b>Drifting</b> - the 07/16/2013 at 1:01am<b>Alwaysontherun</b> - the 07/15/2013 at 6:02pm<b>aersie</b> - the 06/02/2013 at 8:40pm<b>dead_insects</b> - the 05/14/2013 at 9:49pm<b>xTrepidation</b> - the 05/14/2013 at 8:28pm<b>SpaceyKacey</b> - the 04/29/2013 at 4:57pm<b>RodzillaX</b> - the 04/25/2013 at 12:18pm<b>xxbvbsusanxx</b> - the 04/14/2013 at 9:33am<b>mokielove</b> - the 04/11/2013 at 9:35pm<b>im_joking</b> - the 04/06/2013 at 4:50pm<b>thebestintheworl</b> - the 04/06/2013 at 12:22am

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astonedraccoon's favorite FMLs

Today, my ex-boyfriend of over 4 years decided to turn up outside my house at 1am, drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2012 at 12:18pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been in love with for the past two years. Five minutes in, he passed out on top of me from a pain pill overdose and had a mini seizure. He finally woke up and groans, "Those bastards! They confiscated my clothes!" FML

by Lucy / 07/21/2012 at 3:40am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle into the tube. I'll be singing soprano for a while now. FML

by tuggernuts / 07/17/2012 at 11:32am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed making out. He then tried to unhook my bra. After a full minute of trying unsuccessfully, he shouted "Fuck you, bra!" before hiding his face in the pillows. FML

by Anonymous / 07/01/2012 at 7:08pm / Intimacy

Today, I learned that I do not possess the upper body, core, or leg strength to hold my girlfriend up during sex. I simultaneously collapsed and dropped her onto her coffee table. We are now both being treated at the hospital; her for glass wounds, me for a concussion. FML

by bob / 06/29/2012 at 4:47am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my fire alarm startled me so badly that I shit myself. FML

by Mel / 05/07/2011 at 6:27pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend about having kids. We were outside a hotel in front of those rotating glass doors. One of my friends ran at me as a joke, screaming like a caveman. I freaked out in a high pitched squeal, and tried to run inside the hotel. I ran in the wrong way. FML

by Spac3Ghost / 12/28/2009 at 12:08pm / China (Beijing) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

by RC3Welly / 03/09/2009 at 6:58pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, while sitting next to me, my boyfriend sends a text to one of his "friends" saying "I'm thinking of you". FML

by Wolf / 01/20/2009 at 11:20am / Trinidad and Tobago (Saint George) / Love