Submit your FML story

  • - Concept : An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
  • - CAUTION: Read your message over. Please don't use text language and avoid making too many spelling mistakes.
  • - Please note that spam and nonsensical stories will result in you being blocked from accessing FML.
Your nick :
Categories :
Man or woman?

astonedraccoon

Search for a member

astonedraccoon
  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Not specified
  • Number of visits : 50
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 1 posted

About astonedraccoon : I'm here to laugh at the misfortune of others.

astonedraccoon's last visitors

aersiedead_insectsxTrepidationTourettesGuyFTWSpaceyKaceyRodzillaXxxbvbsusanxxmokieloveim_jokingthebestintheworlCasseopeia80sgurl

astonedraccoon's FML badges

Up and coming moderator

It’s nice of you to help us sort out the submissions, using FML’s moderate feature.

Profile completed

You’ve filled out the necessary details. Having done so will be much appreciated.

Who’s the fairest of them all?

This is now the third time you’ve changed your profile pic.

See all of astonedraccoon's badges

astonedraccoon's favorite FMLs

Today, at the exact moment that I leaned over to show my dad a picture on my phone, my boyfriend texted me: "I'm no weather man, but you can expect a few inches tonight." FML

#20598564
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55196) - you deserved it (10101)

On 04/17/2013 at 1:39am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML

#20582197
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40756) - you deserved it (4305)

On 04/09/2013 at 2:01pm - health - by Anonymous - United States

Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML

#20582197
157 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40756) - you deserved it (4305)

On 04/09/2013 at 2:01pm - health - by Anonymous - United States

Today, my 16-year-old son convinced my 14-year-old daughter that she wasn't allowed to use the ladies bathroom at the shopping centre, because she wasn't wearing a dress like the girl on the sign. He told her girls in pants always used the other one. She believed him. This is my legacy. FML

#20580049
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35246) - you deserved it (4515)

On 04/08/2013 at 12:26am - kids - by badparent (woman) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I realized that I'm so lonely I can no longer whack off without bursting into tears and crying like a little bitch. FML

#20564779
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33763) - you deserved it (13381)

On 03/29/2013 at 12:11am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, I was taking a patient's blood pressure, and listening for his pulse with my stethoscope. I couldn't hear anything, so I adjusted the cuff and tried again. Still no pulse. He pointed out that my stethoscope was the wrong way around and sneered, "You been smokin' the reefer, boy?" FML

#20535043
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10546) - you deserved it (22912)

On 03/07/2013 at 7:35pm - work - by no sir I have not (man) - United States

Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML

#20533607
186 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44499) - you deserved it (11189)

On 03/06/2013 at 3:20pm - intimacy - by RedWaters - United States

Today, I went to my daughter's room with clean laundry. I found her lying on her bed with a hand down her pants, totally zoned out and staring blankly at the Justin Bieber poster on her wall. FML

#20529387
205 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38267) - you deserved it (4760)

On 03/03/2013 at 12:03pm - misc - by parental failure (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I asked my boyfriend where he went to lunch. He said he went to Wendy's. I teased him and asked if he got tired of eating burgers and Frosty's all the time. His response? "What? No, I mean at Wendy's. You know, the hot girl from work?" FML

#20524344
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29065) - you deserved it (4217)

On 02/27/2013 at 12:36pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I was sitting on the chair-lift on a ski trip. There was a shift in gears and the metal in the seat began to vibrate. My dad, sister, and step-mom were all on the lift with me, not feeling a thing. It's terribly awkward to converse with your family while you involuntarily orgasm. FML

#20523671
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34062) - you deserved it (4479)

On 02/26/2013 at 10:00pm - intimacy - by Frostbitten (woman) - United States (Maine)

Today, I learned it's a bad idea to text and smoke while drunk, because there is an increased risk of throwing your phone off the balcony and sticking your cigarette into your pocket. FML

#20485916
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9365) - you deserved it (38908)

On 01/30/2013 at 5:13am - misc - by anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML

#20445950
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25244) - you deserved it (4808)

On 01/07/2013 at 8:01am - intimacy - by wetsheets (woman) - United Kingdom (Cardiff)

Today, my skydiving instructor casually remarked that he wouldn't mind "diving into" me sometime. He was strapped to my back the whole way down. FML

#20434488
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26732) - you deserved it (1704)

On 12/31/2012 at 5:44pm - intimacy - by _The__Doctor_ (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, my ex-boyfriend of over 4 years decided to turn up outside my house at 1am, drunk off his ass, to confess his love for me. When I told him I'd moved on and am happily engaged, he cried on the grass for an hour, then tried to steal my cat. FML

#20423470
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32993) - you deserved it (2860)

On 12/26/2012 at 12:18pm - misc - by Anonymous - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been in love with for the past two years. Five minutes in, he passed out on top of me from a pain pill overdose and had a mini seizure. He finally woke up and groans, "Those bastards! They confiscated my clothes!" FML

#19966963
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18045) - you deserved it (3331)

On 07/21/2012 at 3:40am - intimacy - by Lucy - United States (California)



Max Grünfeld's illustrated FML

Artist's interview

All illustrated FMLs

FML's blog

  • The Worst Sisters Ever
  • Growing up with a sister can be a good thing. If you're a guy, it can teach you about girls and how to interact with them so you won't grow up to be a sexist idiot who's afraid of women and who can only…

Monday 17 June 2013

The whole blog

FMyLife, world tour

Available on: