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  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Saturday 3 July 1993 (23 years old)
  • <3 status : Single
  • Number of visits : 773
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 1 posted

About astonedraccoon : I'm here to laugh at the misfortune of others.

astonedraccoon's page activity

Visits<b>k_gils</b> - the 12/08/2013 at 10:58pm<b>Batgirl124</b> - the 08/28/2013 at 10:12pm<b>stripes97</b> - the 07/20/2013 at 10:06pm<b>QQMorePlox</b> - the 07/18/2013 at 1:18am<b>TourettesGuyFTW</b> - the 07/17/2013 at 10:40pm<b>CaptMurdock</b> - the 07/17/2013 at 6:31pm<b>lennelleong</b> - the 07/17/2013 at 1:43pm<b>Drifting</b> - the 07/16/2013 at 1:01am<b>Alwaysontherun</b> - the 07/15/2013 at 6:02pm<b>aersie</b> - the 06/02/2013 at 8:40pm<b>dead_insects</b> - the 05/14/2013 at 9:49pm<b>xTrepidation</b> - the 05/14/2013 at 8:28pm<b>SpaceyKacey</b> - the 04/29/2013 at 4:57pm<b>RodzillaX</b> - the 04/25/2013 at 12:18pm<b>xxbvbsusanxx</b> - the 04/14/2013 at 9:33am<b>mokielove</b> - the 04/11/2013 at 9:35pm<b>im_joking</b> - the 04/06/2013 at 4:50pm<b>thebestintheworl</b> - the 04/06/2013 at 12:22am

astonedraccoon's FML badges

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astonedraccoon's favorite FMLs

Today, I met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen on the beach. I was nervous, but I just smiled and said, "Hey, you're really pretty." Then I let out a horrific fart. FML

by YouSoSmelly / 08/02/2013 at 9:58am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML

by whyeventry? / 08/02/2013 at 12:39am / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy

Today, at the exact moment that I leaned over to show my dad a picture on my phone, my boyfriend texted me: "I'm no weather man, but you can expect a few inches tonight." FML

by Anonymous / 04/17/2013 at 1:39am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML

by Anonymous / 04/09/2013 at 2:01pm / United States / Health

Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML

by Anonymous / 04/09/2013 at 2:01pm / United States / Health

Today, my 16-year-old son convinced my 14-year-old daughter that she wasn't allowed to use the ladies bathroom at the shopping centre, because she wasn't wearing a dress like the girl on the sign. He told her girls in pants always used the other one. She believed him. This is my legacy. FML

by badparent / 04/08/2013 at 12:26am / Australia (Queensland) / Kids

Today, I realized that I'm so lonely I can no longer whack off without bursting into tears and crying like a little bitch. FML

by Anonymous / 03/29/2013 at 12:11am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I was taking a patient's blood pressure, and listening for his pulse with my stethoscope. I couldn't hear anything, so I adjusted the cuff and tried again. Still no pulse. He pointed out that my stethoscope was the wrong way around and sneered, "You been smokin' the reefer, boy?" FML

by no sir I have not / 03/07/2013 at 7:35pm / United States / Work

Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML

by RedWaters / 03/06/2013 at 3:20pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I went to my daughter's room with clean laundry. I found her lying on her bed with a hand down her pants, totally zoned out and staring blankly at the Justin Bieber poster on her wall. FML

by parental failure / 03/03/2013 at 12:03pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my boyfriend where he went to lunch. He said he went to Wendy's. I teased him and asked if he got tired of eating burgers and Frosty's all the time. His response? "What? No, I mean at Wendy's. You know, the hot girl from work?" FML

by Anonymous / 02/27/2013 at 12:36pm / United States / Love

Today, I was sitting on the chair-lift on a ski trip. There was a shift in gears and the metal in the seat began to vibrate. My dad, sister, and step-mom were all on the lift with me, not feeling a thing. It's terribly awkward to converse with your family while you involuntarily orgasm. FML

by Frostbitten / 02/26/2013 at 10:00pm / United States (Maine) / Intimacy

Today, I learned it's a bad idea to text and smoke while drunk, because there is an increased risk of throwing your phone off the balcony and sticking your cigarette into your pocket. FML

by anonymous / 01/30/2013 at 5:13am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML

by wetsheets / 01/07/2013 at 8:01am / United Kingdom (Cardiff) / Intimacy

Today, my skydiving instructor casually remarked that he wouldn't mind "diving into" me sometime. He was strapped to my back the whole way down. FML

by _The__Doctor_ / 12/31/2012 at 5:44pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy