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asmrobots's FML badges
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asmrobots's favorite FMLs
Today, on a first date with a guy, I spilled ice cream all over my pants. He bought me some more, and as I was thanking him, he said, "You've never had a guy treat you right, have you?" I said no and started crying. FML
by Soulara89 / 12/22/2014 at 8:28pm / United States (Florida) / Love
Today, a few minutes after giving birth to our fourth child, my wife pulled me close and whispered, "I love you, but if you ever put me through that again I'll rip your balls off." Everyone laughed. FML
by you ripped them off ages ago / 08/17/2014 at 2:15am / United Kingdom (Derby) / Kids
Today, I was feeling really down and insecure after a friend joked about how small my boobs are. When my grandma got me to tell her what happened, she reassured me that all the girls in our family were late bloomers. I said "Really?" and she replied, "Oh no dear. Quite the opposite." FML
by nerdlette / 03/15/2014 at 3:34pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 02/28/2014 at 5:26pm / Russian Federation (Moskva) / Intimacy
by yeah hun i think insects arent animals too / 10/09/2013 at 3:51am / Germany (Sachsen) / Love
by Anonymous / 04/20/2013 at 12:34pm / Thailand / Kids
Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML
by Anonymous / 04/09/2013 at 2:01pm / United States / Health
Today, my boss told me to go outside and take part in the company's stupid Harlem Shake video. When I declined, he threatened to fire me if I didn't take part. I ended up being the guy who had to furiously pelvic thrust before the music dropped. FML
by mypelvishurts / 02/23/2013 at 2:32am / United States (California) / Work
Today, I went to a club with my girlfriend and her buddies. An hour in, I saw her making out with a guy on the dance floor, so I confronted her. She stormed off to the bar and said something to her friend, who then came over and angrily slapped me across the face. Yeah, I'm confused too. FML
by Anonymous / 02/02/2013 at 6:03pm / Belgium / Love
Today, I was so out of it from a lack of sleep and an accidental antihistamine overdose, I tried to offer my cat a cup of tea, and actually got pissed off when he didn't reply. It took me a good five minutes to understand what just happened. FML
by anonymous / 06/20/2012 at 10:09am / United Kingdom / Animals
by Scared / 06/04/2012 at 8:54pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals
by Kayla_Zee_Ninja / 03/07/2012 at 11:06pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 02/23/2012 at 8:49am / United States / Work
by ZeroApostle4Ever / 02/23/2012 at 3:00am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I sat in my boss' office as he bitched me out for being "too sarcastic" to our customers. After nearly half an hour of him criticizing my "piss-poor attitude," he asked me what I was going to do to fix it. Without thinking, I said, "Your mom." Now I'm jobless again. FML
by great / 02/10/2012 at 4:33pm / United States / Work
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I received a phone call, angry at me for not calling my dad on Father's Day. When I told her…