My name is Amanda. I am 19. I am an aspiring writer.
Today, I was at the mall and someone peeked their head under the door of my dressing room while I was half dressed. Not knowing who it was, I kicked him in the face just out of instinct. Its was a 4 year old kid looking for his mother. FML
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On 07/29/2009 at 4:26pm - misc - by 4yrldkicker (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, I was taking a shower and I saw a new body wash that said "radiance ribbons." That sounded a little effeminate, but it smelled manly enough and the only alternative was normal soap, so I used it. Just now, I stepped out into the sun and found out what "radiance ribbons" means. I sparkle. FML
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On 07/10/2009 at 1:03pm - misc - by takinabreak (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I turned 23. I had asked my mom for some things to decorate my new place. As I opened the box to reveal my gift, a mirror was inside. I liked the mirror. I did not like the note attached that said "Look inside the mirror to see who is now 100% financially responsible for themselves." FML
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On 07/10/2009 at 12:08am - money - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Tennessee)
Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent causing the girl to scream and runaway. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML
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On 06/08/2009 at 7:24pm - intimacy - by Baggabbles123 (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then proceeded to call out my own name by accident. FML
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On 05/07/2009 at 10:45am - intimacy - by eeh (woman) - United States (Ohio)
Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML
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On 05/04/2009 at 4:28pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops, looks directly at me, and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN!" and proceeds to flip me over, grab his clothes, and run out of my room. FML
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On 04/30/2009 at 8:15am - intimacy - by soooyeah (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I finally got my cast taken off my leg after a long month of crutches. I was so excited, until four dead spiders fell out. FML
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On 04/30/2009 at 12:53am - misc - by dasbooot (woman) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I decided to smoke a cigarette while I was driving to work. I was also eating french fries during the drive. I had never realized how much a cigarette feels like a french fry. In conclusion, cigarettes don't taste very good when you bite into them. FML
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On 04/28/2009 at 10:08am - health - by david - United States (Colorado)
Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML
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On 04/28/2009 at 2:27am - intimacy - by liveforpeace_ (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)
Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML
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On 04/27/2009 at 2:24am - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML
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On 04/23/2009 at 3:47pm - intimacy - by snotface (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I didn't wear my contacts. Determined to prove to my friends I didn't need them, I proceeded to reading all the signs in sight. I couldn't read a particular one, so I began to walk closer. Suddenly I fell on my face, bruising my cheekbone. The sign said: "Caution: Watch Your Step." FML
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On 04/23/2009 at 3:36am - misc - by notexactly (woman) - United States (California)
Today my hamster gave birth. The babies were very cute and I couldn't resist petting one. Apparently touching a baby hamster will cause it's mother to reject and devour it. I am now know in my family as "The Hamster Slaughterer." FML
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On 04/20/2009 at 11:11pm - misc - by whymommywhy (man) - United States (New Hampshire)
Today, I bought a brand new flat screen TV. When I brought it home it didn't work. Furious, I walked into Best Buy and yelled at a guy in a tucked in blue polo and khakis. I asked him why it didn't work and he said he didn't know. I kept screaming. He didn't have a nametag. He didn't work there. FML
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On 04/18/2009 at 10:44pm - misc - by asdfghjkl (man) - United States (Ohio)
