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all4pooh's favorite FMLs
Today, as usual, my cat was sleeping on my stomach. I couldn't fall asleep so I delicately picked him up and put him down next to me. He got up, hopped back onto me, gave me a slap and then went back to sleep on my stomach. I didn't dare move all night. FML
Today, while moving into my new place, I saw my new, elderly neighbor sitting on her porch. I cheerfully greeted her with, "Hello, how are you?" She simply rocked slowly in her chair and replied, "Just waiting to die." She was the most cheerful person I met all day. FML
by Kallian / 01/16/2013 at 6:22pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I looked over at the car parked next to me and noticed a very large woman plucking her mustache. She locked eyes with me and kept plucking. After that, every time I looked over, she was still staring. Staring and plucking. Now when I close my eyes, I can still see her. FML
by banana2894 / 08/10/2012 at 12:40am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous
Today, some guy asked me if he could borrow my lighter. I said "of course," reached into my handbag, and gave him the lighter. He stared at me for a few seconds until I realised I'd given him a tampax. FML
by mary / 08/09/2012 at 2:10pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous
by :$ / 08/06/2012 at 6:08pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 07/24/2012 at 1:36pm / United States / Health
Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML
by Bontempi / 07/19/2012 at 2:55pm / France / Miscellaneous
Today, my boss grabbed my arm, raised it above my head, closed my other hand into a fist, and pushed it into his armpit. After staring at me for several seconds, he winked and left without saying a word. This isn't the weirdest thing he's done, and I'm actually starting to fear for my safety. FML
by thinkimquitting / 06/25/2012 at 5:49pm / Australia (Victoria) / Work
by Anonymous / 06/11/2012 at 8:42am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was using a public toilet when someone entered the stall next to mine. Instead of using the facilities, the person in there reached under the stall to steal my bag. Fortunately, I was holding the strap so they couldn't take it. Unfortunately, they decided to take my right shoe instead. FML
by fordneagles / 06/11/2012 at 1:56am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous
Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML
by sharkboy / 06/10/2012 at 10:33pm / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous
by Scared / 06/04/2012 at 8:54pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals
Today, I was driving home, when some kid on a motorbike shot in front of me from the pavement, almost running me off the road. When I confronted him, he screamed, "Watch where you're going next time!" If I could flush every last one of these human turds from the toilet of life, I would. FML
by cunting cunts / 05/29/2012 at 1:10pm / United Kingdom (Ealing) / Transportation
by Anonymous / 05/14/2012 at 11:52pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I met a hot guy at the bar and we hit it off instantly. After a few drinks, he called a cab for us. When it arrived, I seducingly asked, "My place or yours?" He responds, "Both. I'll go to mine and you go to yours" and walked away. The cab driver laughed the whole way home. FML
by ultraattitude / 04/22/2012 at 3:01am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
- Today, on the road in China, I committed a small offense. A cop saw me, stopped me and told me that… Today, a young woman on the subway asked me to hold her pocket mirror open in front of her. I asked… Today, I’m on a mission in Africa. My company driver is so old, deaf and half blind that I have to…