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aliyourpally's favorite FMLs
Today, I woke up early to take my dog for a walk. I wore spandex shorts. I stopped to talk to several people I know and passed a group of hot construction workers who checked me out. I just got home and realized I have the biggest cameltoe I've ever seen in my life. FML
by Anonymous / 05/21/2009 at 12:41pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals
Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML
by sucks / 05/17/2009 at 7:40pm / United States (Georgia) / Animals
Today, when I was walking in to the grocery store, a van pulls up and a bunch of guys get out who look really drunk. I jokingly said to the sober-looking man who had driven the van "Sucks you have to be the designated driver!" Turns out the "Drunk" guys were actually mentally challenged. FML
by dummy441 / 04/20/2009 at 11:14pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was working at a portrait studio and was taking pictures of a little girl, I kept telling the girl to stop making silly faces when she smiles because her eyes go cross-eyed. After the third time I said it her mom grabbed the little girl and left. Turns out, she was naturally cross-eyed. FML
by Anonymous / 04/07/2009 at 12:36pm / United States / Kids
Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung in the balls by a Jelly fish. FML
by The_HML / 03/23/2009 at 10:48pm / United States (Maryland) / Holidays
Today, I woke up at my grandparents house since my mom was out of town, still half asleep i went to brush my teeth. Mid brush my mouth started getting numb I looked again at the tooth paste I used..turns out it was my grandpa's anti-itch anal cream. FML
by poop / 03/08/2009 at 7:57pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by dizzlewizzle / 03/05/2009 at 9:29pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, there was a story called "Looking Good" about fashion in school that ran in the local newspaper. On the front page of that section it featured a picture of my class. I was photoshopped out. FML
by failout / 03/05/2009 at 4:36pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by #201 / 02/05/2009 at 8:23am / United States (Florida) / Animals
Today, I walked past a girl in the cafeteria and she threw up. Naturally, a crowd was drawn. Her friend asked her what was wrong. She pointed at me and said, "Get him away from me!" I had never met this girl. FML
by disgusting / 02/04/2009 at 11:51am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML
by Ah hell / 01/31/2009 at 9:43am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
Today, taking the train to work after the worst hangover ever, two immense fat women start talking about rim jobs. I got up to switch cabins just in time for their conversation to switch over to RECEIVING rim jobs. I sprayed puke all over myself and an innocent bystander. FML
by depraved / 01/08/2009 at 6:21am / United States (Massachusetts) / Health
Today, well, last night, I told my girlfriend that I'm a light sleeper, and that the slightest disturbance will wake me up. As a result, this morning when I looked in the mirror I noticed a bunch of stuff written all over my body, like "You see, you didn't wake up!", "Nor now!". FML
- Today, my fiancée called off our wedding, because she found out I had sex with another woman. Three… Today, mine and my boyfriend's concerns that we are too loud in bed were definitely confirmed when… Today, my boyfriend of over one and a half years told me he won't give me a hand job because "it's…