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  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Miss
  • Birth Date : Not specified
  • <3 status : Single
  • Number of visits : 2897
  • Number of comments : 12
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

About alice_in_mordor : ....

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Santa Claus

You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!


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The Mixer

You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.

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alice_in_mordor's favorite FMLs

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML


I agree, your life sucks (11514) - you deserved it (38361)

On 07/19/2012 at 2:55pm - misc - by Bontempi (man) - France

Today, my husband and I stopped at a scenic overlook on top of a mountain. I looked down and noticed several small shells and excitedly called him over. I said, "I can't believe I found fossils here!" The moment it came out of my mouth, I realized they were pistachio shells. So did he. FML


I agree, your life sucks (7417) - you deserved it (23170)

On 07/17/2012 at 4:00am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Alaska)

Today, I'm still freshly circumcised. My penis is still very sensitive, and I can't squat to grab stuff off the floor because of the pressure against my jeans. Kicking the objects up into my hands was working well, that is until I spilled a pack of 300 toothpicks all over the floor. FML


I agree, your life sucks (30416) - you deserved it (7380)

On 07/13/2012 at 7:14pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I went to my regular pharmacist of three months, and since I've always seen him on a crutch, I asked him how his leg was. His response: "Still missing". FML


I agree, your life sucks (25068) - you deserved it (6646)

On 07/07/2012 at 3:26am - misc - by sozzy - United States (California)

Today, I saw a large spider carry away the body of a dead spider in the bathroom. In my anthropology class, we learned one of the first signs of civilization is caring for the dead. First, they become civilized, and next, they take over. I will never sleep again. FML

Today, while I was waiting at a red light, another car slammed into me. By the time I got out to assess the damage, the other car was empty and there was nobody in sight. Either Moby Dickwad was abducted by aliens mid-crash, or he was behind on his insurance payments. FML


I agree, your life sucks (25791) - you deserved it (1868)

On 06/24/2012 at 4:51pm - misc - by Boar - United States (New Mexico)

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML


I agree, your life sucks (13041) - you deserved it (28044)

On 06/21/2012 at 6:02am - health - by TheDumper (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, my girlfriend stuck her finger up my butt while giving me a hand-job, promising it would feel really good. It just felt awkward and made me need to poop. FML


I agree, your life sucks (38533) - you deserved it (9075)

On 05/30/2012 at 5:46am - intimacy - by Brax (man) - United States

Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML


I agree, your life sucks (34202) - you deserved it (7935)

On 05/30/2012 at 1:46am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was at the gym trying to impress a hot girl, so I put an extra 30 pounds on the bar, I lowered, pushed... and pooped. FML


I agree, your life sucks (14718) - you deserved it (44641)

On 05/04/2012 at 8:49am - health - by authorsubmit - United States

Today, I was eating a banana, and decided to practice my blowjob skills, since my boyfriend is always complaining that I'm bad at giving head. Let's just say my lungs now have their daily dose of potassium. FML


I agree, your life sucks (10825) - you deserved it (36380)

On 04/11/2012 at 3:53pm - intimacy - by potassiumgirl - United States (Florida)

Today, while walking to work, I swore I saw one of my old friends from college standing in the park across the street. I started shouting her name and waving my hands like a maniac to get her attention. It was a statue. FML


I agree, your life sucks (10538) - you deserved it (25022)

On 04/10/2012 at 11:49pm - misc - by Becca (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML


I agree, your life sucks (50446) - you deserved it (4931)

On 03/23/2012 at 1:55am - intimacy - by mrricecakes (man) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I watched Gigli. FML


I agree, your life sucks (8609) - you deserved it (27277)

On 03/11/2012 at 7:19pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I discovered how startling it is to wake up by having your cat springboard off your face. The intended prey? Two fornicating geckos on the ceiling. FML

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