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Today, my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. I was last and I was the smallest. I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. They now call me "the stereotype". FML
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On 07/30/2009 at 10:21am - intimacy - by verysadasian (man) - United States (Virginia)
Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML
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On 07/30/2009 at 8:32am - misc - by epicc1584 - United States (Maryland)
Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML
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On 07/24/2009 at 5:04am - love - by Sally (woman) - United States (Indiana)
Today, after a long stressful day, my boyfriend and I decided to take a shower together. As I'm telling him all about my day, I suddenly felt something warm on my foot, only to look down and see him peeing on me. When I asked what he was doing he said "I'm marking my territory, you're mine now." FML
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On 07/24/2009 at 3:34am - love - by Surprise (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I discovered my 18 year old son has been peeing on the carpet when he is too lazy to get out of bed in the morning and blaming it on the cat. FML
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On 07/24/2009 at 3:04am - kids - by tony (man) - United States (California)
Today, I opened some small cute birthday gifts at my boyfriend's house. As we left to go out, he slipped me a Tiffany box and said he wanted me to open it in private. Flushed and excited, I open it to find a ziploc filled with hair. It was his mustache I had been begging him to shave for months. FML
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On 07/24/2009 at 2:31am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (New Jersey)
Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML
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On 07/23/2009 at 3:16pm - love - by tubedout (man) - United States (Wisconsin)
Today, I was lying in bed late at night trying to fall asleep. I blew my nose on a kleenex and was too lazy to get up and put it in the garbage. I threw it under my bed when I heard a whispery voice say "Thank you". It was my little brother trying to scare me. I peed myself. FML
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On 07/23/2009 at 7:34am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokemon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokemon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML
I agree, your life sucks (10121) - you totally deserved it (46871)
On 07/23/2009 at 2:42am - intimacy - by MitchFail (man) - United States
Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML
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On 07/21/2009 at 5:38pm - intimacy - by Headphones (man) - United States
Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML
I agree, your life sucks (37337) - you totally deserved it (3683)
On 07/21/2009 at 1:45pm - love - by sexychica (woman) - United States (Illinois)
Today, my girlfriend of 2 years told me she was pregnant. I started freaking out, so she put her arm around me and said, "Don't worry, it's not yours". FML
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On 07/21/2009 at 12:10pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States
Today, I woke up screaming. Why? Well, I was complaining to my dad yesterday about how I always hit the snooze button and just roll over when my alarm goes off, and how that results in me being late for morning classes. My dad thought he'd help out by placing a mousetrap on the snooze button. FML
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On 07/21/2009 at 1:38am - misc - by emperor (man) - Bangladesh (Dhaka)
Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML
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On 07/21/2009 at 12:39am - intimacy - by fmjob (man) - Canada (New Brunswick)
Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML
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On 07/20/2009 at 2:45pm - kids - by Pooperscooper - France (Nord-Pas-de-Calais)
