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About alibear7 : I'm cool shit.
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alibear7's favorite FMLs
Today, I used my inhaler for the first time in a year. As soon as I took a puff I felt something strange go down my throat. Upon closer inspection I discovered there had been a spider living in the mouth of my inhaler... and I had just swallowed it. FML
by asthmatic / 06/18/2009 at 7:07pm / United States (New York) / Health
by Anonymous / 06/13/2009 at 12:09am / United States (Oregon) / Transportation
Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door, "Are you jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML
by badmom / 06/10/2009 at 2:09pm / Canada (Quebec) / Intimacy
Today, I was alone in my friend's kitchen. I had "Don't Cha" stuck in my head all day so I decided to let it out by doing a slutty dance, including spinning around the support pole in the kitchen. I heard a noise outside and saw my friend's dad had been cleaning the windows. With a boner. FML
by sluttydancer / 06/10/2009 at 9:51am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
Today, I had to find a date for this banquet we did in my town every year. I paid my neighbor 40 bucks an hour to be my date. It was a 4 hour event. Best part: she got drunk and told the whole town I was paying her. FML
by twowords / 06/08/2009 at 2:44pm / United States (Georgia) / Love
Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom saw me get my phone to check my messages she said "I think you're addicted to that", to which I said "but it feels so good and every guy does it." She was talking about how I text people a lot. FML
by Jon / 06/07/2009 at 2:47am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy
Today, I went to Macy's to buy some bras. After I paid, the old lady cashier noticed there was pen on one of the bras. By accident I blurted out "It's alright. No one's seeing them." The old lady nodded back in agreement. FML
by yikes78 / 05/31/2009 at 9:04am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML
by FMLFMLFMLFML / 05/29/2009 at 1:52pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
Today, I was trying to flirt with the guy I like using body language, so I leaned over this counter in a sensual way. I happened to have a fork, so I went to bite the tip that sexy way people do in movies. I accidentally stabbed myself in the lip, cutting it. My lunch had jalapeños in it. FML
by M2thaM / 05/29/2009 at 1:23am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
Today, I returned to my apartment to find everything reduced to ashes, hidden in black clouds of smoke. Turns out there was a blackout, and my fiancé lit a candle on top of a stack of all our wedding papers. When he smelled the smoke, he got hungry for a taco and left instead of calling 911. FML
by Jeanine / 05/28/2009 at 9:32pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, me and my girlfriend were heading back to her place. On the way there, she was rubbing and stroking me. When we got there, I asked her mom for a congrats hug. I forgot I had a hard on from my girlfriend. She felt it. FML
by arctic1 / 05/27/2009 at 5:45am / United States (Alaska) / Intimacy
Today, after being diagnosed with cat allergies, I explained to my cat-loving boyfriend that the doctor strongly recommended not allowing the cat in the bedroom. At 1:30 am my boyfriend got out of the bed to go sleep in the spare room because: "the cat is sad." FML
by Ames / 05/23/2009 at 12:07pm / United States (Alabama) / Love
Today, I was on a bike ride when a bug flew into my eye. Not wanting to stop, I figured I would just keep that eye closed until I could cry it out. Five seconds later, a bug flew into my other eye. FML
by Anonymous / 05/17/2009 at 1:17am / United States (Rhode Island) / Transportation
Today, I went to see a fortune teller. She said one of my closest friends will die soon because of me. Frightened I hurried home to avoid meeting anyone I know. At home I found my goldfish floating on its back. Apparently I forgot to feed my closest friend for the past 3 days. FML
by killer / 05/16/2009 at 8:21am / Latvia (Riga) / Animals
Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on Facebook was "FML". FML
by Anonymous / 05/09/2009 at 4:18pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love
- Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex when he stopped responding. Five minutes later and… Today, I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut… Today, I realized how badly medical education has ruined me when I couldn't enjoy erotic literature…