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Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat and scare it with a loud "boo!" The cat responded by jumping up, and running across my apartment, which would have been fine, except for the fact she left a trail of liquid shit everywhere she went. FML
I agree, your life sucks (8816) - you totally deserved it (56394)
On 05/14/2009 at 1:46pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Kentucky)
Today, I saw a couple of beetles doing it. Jealous, I quickly crushed them with my boot while screaming, "IF I CAN'T DO IT, NOBODY WILL!" All the little kids playing on the local playground, including parents supervising them, gave me dirty, confused looks. FML
I agree, your life sucks (12093) - you totally deserved it (70431)
On 05/06/2009 at 2:15am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Colorado)
Today, in math class we were learning about gravity. To demonstrate my teacher asked me to stand on the desk and then step off. Upon stepping on the desk it curved inward and cracked. Everyone was dying of laughter. Fuck gravity. FML
I agree, your life sucks (47967) - you totally deserved it (5383)
On 05/02/2009 at 12:55am - misc - by systeminitiated (man) - Canada
Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops, looks directly at me, and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN!" and proceeds to flip me over, grab his clothes, and run out of my room. FML
I agree, your life sucks (66388) - you totally deserved it (8253)
On 04/30/2009 at 8:15am - intimacy - by soooyeah (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I was in a tour group going through a cave and our guide stopped, turned off the lights, and told us to be quiet so we could feel absolute silence. I farted. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16456) - you totally deserved it (35635)
On 04/22/2009 at 3:10pm - misc - by fartmaster (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML
I agree, your life sucks (58307) - you totally deserved it (4567)
On 04/19/2009 at 10:09pm - health - by Litterbox (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, I went to my new job at a pre-school. I was really excited because everything was going so well, and a little boy even said he was drawing a picture of me. He even gave it to me when he was finished. Well it was me, but I was also on fire and being stabbed and shot multiple times. FML
I agree, your life sucks (42644) - you totally deserved it (1655)
On 04/19/2009 at 7:07pm - work - by guessimdead (woman) - United States (Connecticut)
Today, I discovered that I had left my sunroof open all night during a storm and my front seats was soaked. I grabbed a towel for my seat but didn't close my sunroof because it was nice out. As I pull out of my driveway, I felt something wet hit my forehead. A bird shit on me through my sunroof. FML
I agree, your life sucks (45243) - you totally deserved it (8799)
On 04/16/2009 at 10:38am - misc - by oops1234 (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, I was cuddling with the guy I like. I looked into his eyes and said, "Your eyes are so blue, like the ocean." He replied by saying, "Your eyes are so brown... like my shit". FML
I agree, your life sucks (65558) - you totally deserved it (11124)
On 04/12/2009 at 1:06am - love - by s3rp (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was giving a tour on campus when one of my friends approached us and said "Don't go here, the weed's too expensive." and walked away. Thinking he's coming back to say he's joking, he instead say "i'm just kidding its really cheap" and walked away. I may or may not still have a job. FML
I agree, your life sucks (34477) - you totally deserved it (2898)
On 04/11/2009 at 10:51pm - misc - by JimmyJazzNJ (man) - United States (Kentucky)
Today, I found out my blood type is B. My parents are type A and type O. It's not genetically possible to be blood type B if your parents are A and O. This means I am either an adoptee, a mutant, or an illegitimate child. FML
I agree, your life sucks (77284) - you totally deserved it (2254)
On 04/11/2009 at 3:14pm - misc - by hedgehog5 - United States (North Carolina)
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
I agree, your life sucks (220865) - you totally deserved it (244761)
On 03/09/2009 at 6:58pm - intimacy - by RC3Welly (man) - United States (Florida)
Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML
I agree, your life sucks (343924) - you totally deserved it (50781)
On 02/05/2009 at 7:06am - love - by Noname - United States (Illinois)
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