About Xanster82 : Fatty.
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You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
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Xanster82's favorite FMLs
Today, I almost drowned in the ocean after being sucked into a rip current. When I finally managed to make it back to shore breathless from all the energy it took to get back, I looked down and my swimming trunks were gone. I was crawling on the ground naked in front of a hundred people. FML
by matt5th35hit / 05/09/2009 at 4:16am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had surgery on my foot. The doctor told me I'd be on crutches for 6 months. I texted my boyfriend the news, promising lots of intimate favors if he'd watch movies with me while on bed rest for the next week. He texted back, "No way. I don't date cripples." Dumped for a broken foot. FML
by gimp. / 05/08/2009 at 4:28am / United States (California) / Health
Today, I was at a family get together with distant relatives. My grandma made a point to say how all of the grandkids brought their boyfriends or girlfriends. She looks at me, then turns to everyone and says "But not our Becky! She is more interested in her cats right now than finding a man." FML
by Anonymous / 05/07/2009 at 11:38pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals
Today, I was shopping in the mall. A cute store worker kept checking me out, so after I picked a few things I went up to her and started flirting. After a few seconds, she cut me off and said, "Actually I was watching you because you look like someone who would shoplift." FML
by Bucks9 / 05/07/2009 at 7:43pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
by TrulyYours / 05/07/2009 at 8:39am / United States (Maine) / Love
Today, while masturbating at the computer, I was interrupted by a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. As I turned to face it, I realized I forgot to close the blinds. Standing at the window in the appartment across the street were two girls, one had a camera and was snapping a second shot. FML
by JoeyDizz / 05/05/2009 at 11:41pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML
by Anonymous / 05/05/2009 at 5:42pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, I walked outside to get the newspaper and slipped on the icy driveway. Because I was wearing boxers and a robe, my legs got all scraped up. After much cursing, I got the paper and went inside. The headline read "Caution: Icy Conditions". FML
by qwerty / 05/05/2009 at 4:39pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous
by anonymous / 05/05/2009 at 10:17am / United States (New York) / Love
Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start when a hot guy sat next to me. Trying to impress him, I made seemingly witty comments to my friend throughout the movie. When it ended he loudly complained to his friends about the annoying girl sitting next to him. FML
by anon / 05/04/2009 at 5:56pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML
by Anonymous / 05/04/2009 at 4:28pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I asked my mom if she thought I was straight. She looked at me and said "Well, that's really up to you honey. But your father and I would still love you." I was asking if she thought I had parked straight. FML
by Anonymous / 05/04/2009 at 12:51pm / United States (California) / Transportation
Today, I was on Facebook looking at pictures of my boyfriend, who was in his friend's wedding this past weekend. He said that none of the girlfriends could come because it would cost too much for the couple. I spent the weekend alone, and all his friend's girlfriends are in the pictures. FML
by pissed / 05/04/2009 at 12:25am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love
Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML
by Aether / 05/03/2009 at 5:17pm / United States (Michigan) / Transportation
Today, I was masturbating in the dark with the door open. I thought I saw a figure outside my door, because I didn't have my glasses on. After intensely staring at the dark figure for about a minute, thinking it was my imagination, my stepdad said, "you know, I am looking RIGHT at you," FML
by danggit3290 / 05/03/2009 at 1:17pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
- Today, I threw up when I got home because I'd been drinking with friends. My parents asked what was… Today, at 11:30 p.m., after a 5-hour train journey to get back to Paris carrying a suitcase that’s… Today, I couldn't get into my car. I got mad at the lock, and my key broken inside it. It wasn't my…