About Xanster82 : Fatty.
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Xanster82's favorite FMLs
Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML
by FMLFMLFMLFML / 05/29/2009 at 1:52pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
Today, I was getting ready for my first date with a boy I really like when my dad insisted on meeting him. My dad is super protective and a cop. He cleaned his gun in front of my date and made it clear he had to be careful with me. My date started to cry when we got to the car. FML
by Anonymous / 05/28/2009 at 4:15pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was shaving my balls with a blade razor because my electric trimmer had died and I had a big date with the girl of my dreams. I moved too quickly and accidentally knicked a vein in my scrotum. I had to hold gauze over my balls until the paramedics arrived. FML
by ITguy1982 / 05/28/2009 at 1:15pm / United States (New York) / Health
Today, my kitten was playing with the drawstring on my pajama pants. He then jumped, clinging on to my crotch. I screamed in pain, which scared him and made him hold on tighter. My cat was literally hanging from my vagina with its claws for a good 30 seconds before I could pry him off. FML
by Anonymous / 05/27/2009 at 6:44pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals
Today, at exactly midnight, I get a text from my boyfriend saying we were done. I had just seen him 4 hours ago when we were out celebrating my birthday, and asked why he didnt just tell me then. He replies 'I couldn't break up with you on your birthday but i wanted it to be over ASAP' FML
by Anonymous / 05/26/2009 at 9:09pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, my boyfriend invited me over so I went, not thinking anything of it. To my surprise, he broke up with me. I was pretty upset, and as I was leaving his mom hands me a box. When I got home I opened it. His mom baked me a break up cake. FML
by cakegirl / 05/25/2009 at 9:15pm / United States (Florida) / Love
Today, I was laying down on my couch. My friend IM's me on my laptop to watch a video. It turned out that the video was one of those scary pop up's. I got so scared I dropped my laptop. The screen had a big crack. FML
by OrlandoZ6 / 05/25/2009 at 12:48pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was watching tv on the couch. My mom then kicked me off so she could lie down. Exhausted, I asked if I could sit at the end. She said no. A minute later she called the dog to come sit with her. As I was sitting on the ground, my mom told me to move because "the dog can't see the TV." FML
by holly / 05/24/2009 at 2:05pm / United States (New York) / Animals
Today, I drove 150 miles to see one of my favorite singers in concert. Before I got out of the car I checked to make sure I had the tickets. Did I have the tickets? Yes. Were they for today's concert? Nope. FML
by duhitskelly94 / 05/24/2009 at 10:48am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
by Clueless / 05/24/2009 at 1:01am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I was cuddling in bed with my girlfriend after a night of heavy drinking. She rolled towards me, looked me in the eyes and sweetly said, "I love you". Her morning breath was so bad that I had to jump up and rush to the bathroom to vomit, leaving a trail along the way. FML
by jimbop / 05/23/2009 at 1:48pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love
Today, I was leaving work when some creeper start following me. When he asked me for my name, I immediately gave him a fake one. He just laughed and said “I hope to see you soon.” He used my real name. First AND last. I was still wearing my name tag. FML
by kandykrazed17 / 05/23/2009 at 8:14am / United States (New York) / Work
Today, while installing a deadbolt on my closet, I did it wrong. It closed but wouldn't lock so I had to re-install it. Sitting on the floor of my closet, I shut it to make sure it was installed correctly. I locked myself in for twenty minutes, home alone, before kicking the door down. FML
by erin3809483 / 05/22/2009 at 8:12pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was running outside. On the last mile I am along side some fields. While running along the side of the road I glanced down and saw a snake. I was so startled I jumped left in front of a car screaming like a girl. The snake was dead. FML
by Anonymous / 05/22/2009 at 10:08am / United States (Texas) / Health
Today, while cleaning out a closet with my mother, I found a wish list from when I was five. On that list, I wished my parents would divorce. Not only did that seriously hurt my mom, but now she thinks I'm the devil because my wish came true. FML
by Anonymous / 05/21/2009 at 10:45pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous