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UnearthlyEnemy's favorite FMLs
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
by RC3Welly / 03/09/2009 at 6:58pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
Today, my mother told me she needed a urine sample to send in to the doctors to test for any allergies. I did what she had asked and went to my room. I came down stairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML
by missy / 03/09/2009 at 6:54pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, my best friend resolved things with her boyfriend after he had admitted to cheating on her. I felt really guilty because I drunkenly hooked up with her boyfriend last month. She said, "I felt better when he told me that the girl was extremely ugly and bad in bed." FML
by collegegirl90 / 03/09/2009 at 4:52pm / United States (Texas) / Love
Today, I was with my family at a buffet getting dessert. As I had my chocolate cake in hand, I grabbed an extra slice of cheesecake for my mom because I knew she would like a slice. Upon returning to my table, a couple walking behind me commented, "See, that's why Americans are so obese." FML
by McChunky =( / 03/09/2009 at 4:25am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Noname / 03/08/2009 at 9:34am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was going over to my friends house for dinner, (it was my birthday) when I walked in everyone yelled surprise and then turned on the lights. When my friend looked over at me she said "wrong person guys, turn off the lights". FML
by PmS / 03/08/2009 at 3:16am / United States (Wyoming) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was driving on the freeway in the back seat of my friends car. I looked over to the left and was greeted by a van full of adolescent boys waving and making the "call me" hand gesture. I then happened to looked down and realized that my right boob was completely out of my top. FML
by Noname / 03/08/2009 at 3:11am / United States (California) / Transportation
by Noname / 03/07/2009 at 11:28pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML
by Dang-ItsDanielle / 03/07/2009 at 1:28pm / United States (California) / Kids
by Cody / 03/07/2009 at 1:15pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was having a one night stand with a guy. He told me he wanted to do it doggie style, I said okay, and as soon as I bent over on the bed, looked at me and said, "Let's do this with the lights off". FML
by fjafja / 03/07/2009 at 1:34am / Canada (Ontario) / Love
by Noname / 03/06/2009 at 2:04pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy
Today, my mother told me she didn't want my girlfriend spending the night anymore. I asked why, she said she heard us doing the nasty the night before and I denied it, hoping I could call her bluff. She paused for a moment and moaned EXACTLY like my girlfriend does. FML
by ToobyFrank / 03/06/2009 at 12:51pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy
Today, there was a story called "Looking Good" about fashion in school that ran in the local newspaper. On the front page of that section it featured a picture of my class. I was photoshopped out. FML
by failout / 03/05/2009 at 4:36pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had my quarterly review with my supervisor at the warehouse I work at. He told me I was doing great and we discussed my raise. After I left his office, his supervisor told me I was being fired for my attendance. The last time I missed work was to attend a funeral. Five months ago. FML
by crub / 03/05/2009 at 10:10am / United States (Iowa) / Work
- 1Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his… 2Today, my boyfriend finally told me that he loved me. This would've been fantastic if he didn't say… 3Today, I was eating my lunch. When I opened my mouth to eat a spoonful of rice, a bee flew right…