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UnearthlyEnemy's favorite FMLs
Today, I was helping my friend wash dishes. As I went to grab some tongs to dry them I impale my forearm on a knife that's sticking blade up. My friend wanted to finish the dishes before taking me to the hospital. FML
by hurts / 05/04/2009 at 2:48pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous
Today, my soccer team got our warm up t-shirts that say "You can hit on us, but you can't score." After the game, a guy behind my friend asks, "Hey what does the front of your shirt say?" I replied for her, "You can hit on us." He looked at me and my friend and said, "No thanks." FML
by Anonymous / 05/03/2009 at 1:46pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML
by Anonymous / 05/02/2009 at 4:12am / United States (North Carolina) / Kids
Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off the $1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and a bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $2,000 in bills. Really. FML
by Sick / 05/02/2009 at 12:56am / United States (Florida) / Health
Today, at the awards ceremony at my school, I ended up winning the top achievement award in my grade. The principal spent at least ten minutes talking about my success to the audience, the whole time referring to me as a "he" as I stood right next to him. I'm a girl. FML
by smartgirl / 05/01/2009 at 7:48pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I forgot my inhaler. I had an asthma attack and had to go to the ER. The doctors told me it wasn't an asthma attack. It was just a panic attack from worrying about whether I would get an asthma attack. FML
by jlover42 / 05/01/2009 at 5:07pm / United States (Virginia) / Health
Today, my girlfriend's mother called her in the bedroom for a serious talk. I overheard them arguing and yelling at each other. It turns out her mother found a condom next to her garbage. We got caught because her cat swallowed the condom and threw it up. FML
by badluckdrew / 05/01/2009 at 10:28am / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy
Today, I went to get the Apple store, my Mac had been making a grinding noise from the fan. The guy put his ear to the keyboard and said there was a CD in the drive so I couldn't hear the grinding from the fan. He ejected the CD. It was porn. FML
by cait / 04/30/2009 at 3:44pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 04/29/2009 at 10:03pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
Today, I was taking the subway to work when I saw a really hot girl. Noticing that she, like me, had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I tried to start a conversation by saying, "Is that Double Ds you have there?" She didn't pick up that I was talking about the coffee. FML
by Anonymous / 04/29/2009 at 6:46pm / United States (New York) / Transportation
Today, my first graders released the butterflies we've been raising. The kids were sad that one had died in his cocoon and wouldn't be set free. Turns out that butterfly may have had a better fate: a flock of birds ate half of the others. Immediately after releasing them. In front of the kids. FML
by Anonymous / 04/29/2009 at 12:30pm / United States (Texas) / Animals
Today, as I was picking up my 7 year old daughter at my ex husband's house my daughter started crying saying that she wanted to stay with daddy forever. I asked why. She said her stepmom was a better mommy. Apparently the woman who broke up my marriage is now a better "mommy". FML
by Anonymous / 04/29/2009 at 12:13am / United States (California) / Kids
Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML
by liveforpeace_ / 04/28/2009 at 2:27am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy
Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's penis, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML
by seriouslywtf / 04/27/2009 at 11:06pm / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy
Today, my family was talking about how people's hair goes gray when they get old. My grandma mentioned that she was initially attracted to my grandpa because of his red hair and was sad when it turned gray. "It's ok," she continued, "his pubic hair is still red." FML
by ewwww / 04/27/2009 at 12:08am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous
- Today, my dog ate my watermelon body wash, and now he hasn't stopped farting. It smells like poopy… Today, my girlfriend who traveled over 3,000 miles 1 year ago to move in with me is cheating on me.… Today, I have had such a lack of motivation that I had to consider brushing my teeth as a personal…