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UnearthlyEnemy's favorite FMLs
Today, I was driving to the local market with my son. We approached a vehicle that looked just like my fiancé's. My son peered out his window and said, "Mommy, daddy's getting kidnapped!" It seems he was being 'kidnapped' by his new girlfriend. FML
by anoymus / 05/30/2009 at 10:37pm / United States (Maryland) / Love
Today, I had a dentist appointment. While waiting, I pulled out my Cosmo magazine to entertain myself. The woman sitting across from me points and tells me I'm reading "Satan's Manual." I told her I don't believe in Satan. She said, "You'll know he's real when you become his bitch!" FML
by satanlovesme / 05/30/2009 at 7:22pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous
Today, my brother had his hot friend over. I decided to make a move because he was staring at me and smiling all night. So I asked him which holiday was his favorite, Christmas or Easter while I batted my eyes and smiled. Thats when he said, "you have lettuce in your teeth." FML
by Anonymous / 05/30/2009 at 10:36am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
Today, I picked up my 4-year-old daughter from day care. As we're driving home, a butterfly lands on the windshield. Just as my daughter comments on how pretty the butterfly is, I turned a corner and accidentally hit the windshield wipers and smeared the pretty butterfly across the windshield. FML
by reb2632 / 05/29/2009 at 4:13pm / United States (Michigan) / Transportation
by Princess / 05/28/2009 at 2:17pm / United States (New York) / Money
Today, I woke up fully clothed, trying to remember the night's events. I walk to the den to awkwardly ask my dad for a ride to my car and he points to the computer. A pic of me passed out on the bathroom floor is now our new wallpaper. My skirt was around my knees. He sent it to everyone we know. FML
by Anonymous / 05/28/2009 at 1:44pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to a real Japanese restaurant with my sister and mom, where you had to take off your shoes and sit on the floor. After the meal, I realized my shoes were no longer where I put them. For the seven years the restaurant has been open, I'm the first person to get their shoes stolen. FML
by Jdub / 05/27/2009 at 8:51pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous
Today, I weighed myself for the first time in a while and confirmed that I have put on a few pounds. I was feeling a bit down about it. I went to work and on arriving a workmate I hadn't seen in a while gave me a hug. She said, 'I love hugging you, you're so nice and squishy.' FML
by squishyboy / 05/26/2009 at 4:23am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Health
Today, I was preparing a dinner for some business associates, in hopes of closing the deal on a promotion. I emailed them with the menu, in case there were any allergies. Hours later, I checked the email again to find that instead of serving the Roast Duck I would be serving the Roast Fuck. FML
by wordmalfunction / 05/25/2009 at 5:42pm / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to the store to buy groceries. I didn't care how I looked, so I wore an old shirt that said, "Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night." I ran into my girlfriend's parents at the store. FML
by helloitsbrian6969 / 05/24/2009 at 3:50pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
by honeymoondisaster / 05/23/2009 at 12:44am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, my car died on a major road, a cop pulled over to help, he offered to jump me, while doing so because my battery was so dead he told me to put the gas on the floor, I did and my car roared to life, he then pulled me over five feet from where my car died to give me a ticket for a loud exhaust. FML
by fmlcops / 05/22/2009 at 12:17am / United States (Illinois) / Transportation
Today, I was at work at an office store. I was instructed to put together several tape-free cardboard boxes. I then realized that I can disassemble and reassemble a computer with my eyes closed and one hand behind my back, but I was outsmarted by a cardboard box. FML
by StellarSapience / 05/21/2009 at 9:18pm / United States (California) / Work
by Anonymous / 05/21/2009 at 1:16pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML
by whoopsiedoodle / 05/21/2009 at 8:45am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids