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TurkeySlab's favorite FMLs
by CB / 11/18/2009 at 8:30pm / New Zealand (Wellington) / Health
Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML
by swedishdude / 11/14/2009 at 8:37am / Sweden (Skane Lan) / Miscellaneous
by Lovelysister / 10/21/2009 at 7:21pm / United States (Florida) / Love
Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML
by zappy / 10/11/2009 at 12:40am / United States (New York) / Health
Today, my friends took my phone and changed all the contact's names to characters from Harry Potter. I have over a hundred contacts and no idea who I'm talking to. I've been texting Draco Malfoy for 4 hours now. FML
by MissMSE / 09/18/2009 at 4:41am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML
by BluesMan1990 / 09/16/2009 at 6:21am / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was driving my new car home when I came around a sharp turn to see a groundhog in the road. I kindly stopped and allowed it to cross when all of the sudden a car slammed into the back of mine. Then, another car went flying around us. That car hit and killed the groundhog. FML
by hatecolin / 09/10/2009 at 2:46pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation
Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer I saw her battery was flat so I said "Uh-oh! Looks like you've died." She bawled her eyes out and said "Not yet." FML
by Anonymous / 09/09/2009 at 5:58am / New Zealand (Otago) / Miscellaneous
by MelanieP / 08/28/2009 at 11:39pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
by joe1234 / 07/16/2009 at 10:28pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous
Today, we went up for visitor's day for my son's Jewish summer camp. We don't keep kosher, but most of his fellow campers do. When we went around in the circle saying our favorite foods, he said, "my mom makes the best pork chops." We got dirty looks for the rest of the day. FML
by porkeater / 07/16/2009 at 11:02am / United States (Illinois) / Kids
Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML
by ....... / 06/23/2009 at 1:56pm / United States (Colorado) / Kids
Today, my family and I were parking downtown when my sister yelled to watch out for a man approaching our car. I see him pull something from his pocket. I yell "It's a knife, don't roll down the window!" It was a pen, he was the parking attendant and the window was already rolled down. FML
by parkinglotslayer / 06/10/2009 at 10:28pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous
Today, I came home from work when I heard people in my apartment. My apartment was supposed to be empty, so I entered ready to fight some thieves. I rushed in and hit the closest person to me before the lights switched on. It was a surprise party. I broke my girlfriend's cheek-bone. FML
by Kyokushin / 06/03/2009 at 10:15am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I saw a video in class about women aged 65+ and their sex lives. An elderly, blind woman was… Today, my boyfriend called me pretty. Not because he actually thinks I'm pretty, but because "Hey,… Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly…