I love sk8tin
Today, my fiance's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. I'm a vegetarian. They had names. FML
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On 04/10/2009 at 1:11am - misc - by lanbon182 - United States (California)
Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. TWICE. FML
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On 04/07/2009 at 8:11pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Virginia)
Today, I was in a store using the only bathroom there. After I was done, I realized I couldn't open the door. Panicked it locked me in, I banged on the door, and screamed for help. The security and a whole group of people gathered, only to find that I was pulling the door instead of pushing it. FML
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On 04/07/2009 at 11:51am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Japan
Today, my parents yelled at me for 10 minutes without letting me get a word in edgewise for getting a 48 on my test. They took my phone, unplugged my internet, and took my car keys. They wouldn't listen no matter how many times I told them "It was out of 50". It actually was. FML
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On 04/06/2009 at 7:46pm - misc - by CT (man) - United States (Georgia)
Today, I was going to have sex with my hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was "pollo frito". I then proceeded to have sex, constantly screaming pollo frito for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML
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On 04/06/2009 at 3:51pm - intimacy - by FML.. (woman) - China (Hebei)
Today, I saw a very attractive female police officer while at the DMV. Thinking myself suave, I asked her: "Is it sexual harassment if I tell you how beautiful I think you are, and ask for your phone number?" Apparently it was. FML
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On 04/03/2009 at 6:05pm - misc - by ShamedJP (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I tasted the rainbow. By that, I mean a homeless man hit me in the face with a bag of Skittles for not giving him money. FML
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On 04/03/2009 at 5:43am - money - by rovery (man) - United States (California)
Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called the police saying that I was hitting my wife and that she was crying. My wife and I were having making love. FML
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On 03/25/2009 at 7:11pm - love - by david (man) - United States (California)
Today, I got a letter from Princeton that said i got accepted. I jumped for joy screaming at the top of my lungs. My little brother walks in laughing with his camcorder on record. He played a joke on me and gave me the real letter. I was denied. FML
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On 03/25/2009 at 4:13pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I had an elaborate plan to ask this girl to Prom, and it was going to take a few minutes to set up. I asked my friend to distract her. He decided to distract her by asking her to Prom. She said "Yes". FML
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On 03/24/2009 at 11:41am - love - by Kaeyne (man) - United States (Georgia)
Today, my girl handcuffed me to the bed. I willingly let her thinking we were about to have some fun. She then took my phone and read a sent message; 'Wanna hook up?' to my ex. She left me cuffed and blindfolded, and painted my nails before she left. The sent message was from before I met her. FML
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On 03/24/2009 at 4:46am - intimacy - by littleman (man) - Hong Kong
Today, my mom suspected me of doing marijuana. She went and bought a home-drug test and sent me to the bathroom. As I went in, I realized there was already pee in the toilet. I scooped that instead of my own and handed it to my mom. It came up positive. My sister used the bathroom last. She's 12. FML
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On 03/24/2009 at 12:19am - health - by smokythebear (man) - United States
Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML
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On 03/23/2009 at 7:12pm - intimacy - by SLA (woman) - United States (Maryland)
Today, I decided to play a joke on my boyfriend and planned to pretend that I found a thong in his gym bag. When he came home, I "confronted" him. After struggling through putting on my best face, he, unexpectedly confessed: "Look, babe, I'm sorry. It meant nothing." FML
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On 03/23/2009 at 4:42pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Connecticut)
Today, I was at a club with my girlfriend of only two weeks. As we were dancing, another woman grabbed my ass from behind me and squeezed. I yelped and turned around to see my mother as the culprit. My girlfriend punched her. I found out my mother is a Cougar and my girl has a mean right hook. FML
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On 03/23/2009 at 1:10pm - intimacy - by VinnyGoombots (man) - United States (New York)
