Im Timiscuous.
Today, my boyfriend, who has been growing out his facial hair lately, and I, went to a family get together. When we showed up my grandmother came up to him and started growling. She then said, "I was just trying to communicate with Chewbacca over here." Thanks grandma. FML
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On 09/19/2009 at 2:43pm - misc - by Chewy (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, it is my boyfriend's and my one year anniversary. I bought him a Playstation 2. As soon as I gave it to him, he went straight to set it up without giving me anything. I said "What about me?" He walked over to me, gave me a kiss and said "I love it when you buy me things for no reason." FML
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On 09/18/2009 at 7:27pm - love - by luvizwar (woman) - Australia (Queensland)
Today, I went on a blind date. We had agreed on meeting in front of a park. Thinking I was there first, I texted her "I'm already there, sitting next to the fat chick." I heard a beep. SHE was the "fat chick." FML
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On 09/16/2009 at 2:23pm - love - by sarahh38 (man) - Canada (Quebec)
Today I was eating m&ms on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see my hand on my crotch and me muttering "where is that little bastard?" FML
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On 09/11/2009 at 2:26pm - misc - by awilson (man) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML
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On 08/02/2009 at 6:45pm - health - by theregoesmyspermcount (man) - United States (Texas)
Today, after not seeing my boyfriend for 9 months, he came to meet me at the airport. I was so excited when I first saw him that I broke into a sprint to greet him. Apparently, running through the airport looks suspicious, because a security guard tackled me. Now I have a broken nose. FML
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On 07/19/2009 at 9:49am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey)
Today, I awoke to my husband donning a gorilla mask in the middle of the night. My kids have been staying in a tent out back for the past few nights, and have complained of a "monster" scaring them. I told them that it was their imagination. My husband says he gets a kick out of it. FML
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On 07/17/2009 at 6:02pm - kids - by Divorcemenow (woman) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I caught some perverts sitting in a car in front of my house, spying on my neighbors. When they refused to leave, I grabbed a baseball bat and they sped off in a hurry. Later, those same perverts came back to arrest my neighbors for drug trafficking. I had threatened cops. FML
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On 07/02/2009 at 3:22am - misc - by DaveAlmighty (man) - United States (California)
Today, the cops showed up to check out a child abuse complaint, I then had to spend an hour explaining that I had given my son a suppository. The neighbors heard him sobbing hysterically "Daddy, why did you put that in my butt? It hurts." My neighbor had heard and thought I was raping my son. FML
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On 06/24/2009 at 5:11pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)
Today, I lost it on my co-workers about how hard I've been working, picking up everyone's slack with no appreciation, and it was clear that I needed to find a job that actually rewarded hard work. As I went to grab my jacket to leave, I saw a cake and gift card for a cruise on the table, from the staff. FML
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On 06/24/2009 at 4:44pm - work - by Whoops (man) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML
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On 05/21/2009 at 8:45am - kids - by whoopsiedoodle (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and proceeded to say (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!". FML
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On 05/18/2009 at 8:40am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (Belfast)
Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I see my dad on a bike so I shout after him. He turns his head around and then runs into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML
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On 05/17/2009 at 8:35pm - misc - by Richocet - Canada (British Columbia)
Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping in the dog world meant dominance. Well, I decided to instill my dominance and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" and then my mom walked in. FML
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On 05/17/2009 at 7:40pm - misc - by sucks (man) - United States (Georgia)
Today, I was impressing dinner guests by spinning my new baby in the air (something she loves), when she projectile vomited over the dinner table and the guests. My wife, who had spent three hours cooking was not impressed. Once of the guests was also a sympathy spewer. FML
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On 05/15/2009 at 6:20am - kids - by Sodge (man) - Australia (Victoria)
