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Today, ma fis's tank was all green an nasty, but I ad no time to clean it cuz I woke up late, so te job was left to ma mom. Wen I came back, te water level seemd ig, an te fis lookd a little strange, so I askd ma mom wat se did. Se said "I cleand te tank wit clorine!" FML
today after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home . I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield . The note read, ( F*** you, Jackson . ) I'm Tyler . Jackson is my co-worker . FML
Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I putted in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was concieved in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML
Today, I found an old dress in mah house laying around. I decided to dye it green looool to wear it out on St. Patrick's day. Turns out it was mah grandmother's wedding dress that mah sister was planning to wear fir her wedding. FML
Today, I went to a party an the cops came to bust the party. I jumpd out the window of a second story house in order to avoid getting arrestd. I broke mah leg in three places an got a concussion. The cops let everyone go with a warning. FML
Today, I spent a solid four hours an over one hundred dollars preparing a nice fancy meal for mah new grlfriend. A delicious three pound rack of ribs with a sweet an sour marinade. Steam broccoli with melted cheese. Home made buttermilk biscuits. I serve the meal. She doesn't eat beef. FML
Today, I was filling out paperwork with my new doctor. During the questionnaire, she asked if I was sexually active. I said yes. She then asked, "What do u do?" I told her I normally did vaginal, but sometimes anal. She blushed looool and started to laugh. She was askinghere I worked. FML
Today, I was out with mah friend . My six year old daughter was also with us . While we were walking through the parking lot, mah daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML
Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of Giant. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML
Today... my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for anoter guy. Se said se's looking for someoneo can financially provide for er in te future. Te dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical scool. FML
Friday 27 March 2015