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Today, I handed the keys to my Mustang to my mom so she could go car shopping. As she pulled away, I remembered the condom wrappers, sex toy packaging, and empty bottle of rum that was in the passenger's seat of my car. I'm twenty. FML
Today, I was at a pool party. My friend's little sister pushed me in the pool. When I got out, I pushed her in. She started screaming, and I started laughing because I thought she was pissed that I pushed her in. That wasn't why she was screaming. She can't swim. Her whole family witnessed it. FML
Today, I was going on a plane to Chicago. My passport picture is 6 years old, and back then I was a beautiful model. Now, I gave birth to a child and gained 50 lbs. When I showed my passport to the airport atendents, I got arrested for stealing someones passport. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 5 years getting intimate with my best friend. When they saw me they immediately stopped and said nothing. After about 5 seconds of silence my boyfriend yells "April fools!" April Fools was 12 days ago. FML
Today, at a family Seder, (a Jewish service for Passover), my mom served matzah balls during the festive meal. Considering how much I love matzah balls and there aren't many options for me to eat because I'm a vegetarian, I shouted, "I like really big balls!" in front of my entire family. FML
Today, I parked my car on the street to go to the gym. When i came back my car was blocked by a parade of people. I turned to a shop worker smoking a cigarette and said "Jesus! What the hell is going on?" I got many strange looks. It was a Good Friday parade lead by a local church. FML
Today, I went with my grandma to pickup my uncle and cousins from the airport. On our way there, the car died in the middle of the road. A police officer stopped to help us, he blocked the road while i pushed and my grandma steered. I had to push a minivan, I weigh 115 lbs. FML
Today, I was waitressing when a man sat at my table with soda from somewhere else. Drinks are half the profit for restaurants. There is a strict policy that you have to charge for carry-in drinks. I told him this, he yelled at me so I told him I was doing my job. I got fired, for doing my job. FML
Today, I was at a professional hockey game. I wasn't paying attention and a puck was shot into the stands and hit me in the face. My mouth was bleeding and I lost two teeth. As I was trying to cough up my teeth the old man next to me shoved me over and stole the puck. Everyone cheered. FML
Today, I spent 3 hours trying to close a simple $400 deal with a homeowner. He spent 3 hours telling me about his life story including his marital problems, his philosophical views of the world, AND he read me 20 pages of haiku poems. Only 3 hours later did he tell me he couldn't accept my deal. FML
Today, I went to Britney's concert. About halfway through the show, the person next to me turns to me and asks, "Can you do me a favour?" Thinking that she wanted me to look after her stuff, I said sure. Her next sentence was: "Can you stop singing?" FML
Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn't tell her the cute girl was my three years old niece. I lost a tooth because of that punch. FML
Today, I finally decided to get a dog. I have always been wanting to get one ever since I was a child. I bought a $1,400 Golden Retriever. I went out for lunch a few hours later with a friend, so I left my dog in the backyard. I came back home to a broken fence and no dog. FML
Today, brand new cocktail dress: $300. Matching peep toe heels: $100. Getting my hair done at the salon: $80. Treating myself to a mani/pedi: $50. When finally meeting the guy I have been chatting online with for 2 months, I find out he's my cousin: priceless. FML
Monday 1 September 2014