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Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up handcuffed to my bed. My friends who are responsible for this think it's hilarious and claimed not to remember where they put the keys. They took pictures, then left. FML
Today, I babysat a 4-year-old child for my neighbor. It seems he had diarrhea. The evidence of this is in his pants, down his leg, on the couch, on the bathroom floor, smeared on my wall, and in the shape of a brown handprint on my shirt. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were at the river. She threw mud on me, so I playfully threw some on her, and we got into a mud fight. Apparently, she took the "fight" seriously, because I'm now single. FML
Today, my dad called me a "deadbeat loser" after I came back from my first day of voluntary rehab for my meth problem. He's never had a job in his life and sits on the sofa all day, smoking weed and playing video games, all on my mom's salary. FML
Today, I finished a dance competition. With competitions, it requires you to wear a lot of makeup like false eyelashes and red lipstick. I went into a Starbucks to get a coffee and a boy around 18 asked me, in all seriousness, what my rate is for one night. FML
Today, as a condominium security guard, I had to enter an old lady's apartment to supervise the mandatory maintenance taking place inside. I commented on the lakeside view from her window and mentioned, "This is a pretty nice view up here isn't it?" It turns out that she's blind. FML
Today, my dumbass colleague was too lazy to go buy balloons for a party in recognition of our company's huge merger. Instead, he made condom balloons. Let's just say you don't make blow up condoms for a prestigious company event. A company whose CEO is named Dick. FML
Today, I caught my 14-year-old daughter stealing alcohol from me. After berating her for half-an-hour I finally said, "At least you're not doing drugs." She gave me a guilty smile and sheepishly said, "At least I'm not a prostitute?" FML
Today, I was checking out a customer who seemed quite friendly. As I finished, he reached slightly over the counter and I impulsively reached out and shook his hand. He gave me a dumbfounded look and said, "Can I have my change please?" FML
Today, I was at dance rehearsal. As a male dancer I like to keep the fact that I dance a secret because of the stupid stereotypes male dancers have. This plan was quickly shot down when I discovered I was performing at my school. FML
Today, I was berated by a pharmacist, who said that kids these days are on so many unnecessary medications for "fake diseases". I was just trying to pick up the medication I've been prescribed to control my epilepsy. FML
Monday 1 September 2014