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Today, I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. I woke up to an excruciating pain coming from my genitalea. It turns out that I was having nightmares and I squeezed my balls because I was so terrified. I popped 3 blood vessels in my scrotum and now walk with a limp. FML
I agree, your life sucks (17857) - you deserved it (8212)
On 12/06/2009 at 3:42pm - intimacy - by Ballhugger (man) - Canada (Alberta)
Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened. FML
I agree, your life sucks (23287) - you deserved it (3391)
On 11/28/2009 at 1:11pm - intimacy - by chacha - United States
Today, I sent my main man a picture of the two of us out on our second date. He immediately added it to his MySpace account, with the caption, "clubbin with my hoe." FML
I agree, your life sucks (13722) - you deserved it (7154)
On 11/24/2009 at 3:54am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I woke up next to the girl I had drunk intercourse with last night. Before we got it on, I noticed a package of birth control pills on her nightstand. Because of this, I felt no need to use a condom, or pull out. When I woke up, I noticed those "pills" were actually a makeup case. FML
I agree, your life sucks (4386) - you deserved it (37945)
On 11/10/2009 at 8:52pm - intimacy - by prayforme (man) - United States (Georgia)
Today, I found out that my daughter is dating my boss' daughter. I found this out because my extremely homophobic boss told me and wants me to 'heal' them or get fired. I didn't even know my daughter was gay. FML
I agree, your life sucks (17312) - you deserved it (1937)
On 11/01/2009 at 12:51pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Virginia)
Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML
I agree, your life sucks (5198) - you deserved it (21249)
On 10/28/2009 at 3:14pm - intimacy - by Moody (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. My wife wasn't in the shower, instead I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. There was an awkward moment of silence. FML
I agree, your life sucks (25615) - you deserved it (6421)
On 10/24/2009 at 1:35pm - intimacy - by sad_dad (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, after the most stressful two weeks of my life, I finally found a few minutes to sit down with a relaxing cup of tea. I went to take a sip, sneezed, smashed the mug into my nose, and dumped scalding hot tea all over my face and cleavage. FML
I agree, your life sucks (30763) - you deserved it (3713)
On 09/26/2009 at 6:39am - misc - by pygmalion (woman) - United Kingdom (Belfast)
Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML
I agree, your life sucks (10021) - you deserved it (254689)
On 09/01/2009 at 2:05pm - work - by Hairball (man) - United States (South Carolina)
Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML
I agree, your life sucks (14845) - you deserved it (176523)
On 07/07/2009 at 1:25pm - misc - by Stoopid (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. FML
I agree, your life sucks (55114) - you deserved it (3737)
On 06/22/2009 at 5:03am - intimacy - by fml (woman) - United States (Arizona)
Today, was my boyfriends birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML
I agree, your life sucks (52219) - you deserved it (20567)
On 06/21/2009 at 12:16am - intimacy - by jinxofsocal (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I picked up my 17 years old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said "so you are the daddy" and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a ho and I a perv. FML
I agree, your life sucks (52665) - you deserved it (4452)
On 06/16/2009 at 1:22pm - intimacy - by enderw (man) - United States
Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML
I agree, your life sucks (32322) - you deserved it (45549)
On 06/14/2009 at 12:14am - intimacy - by BarbieKen (woman) - United States (Arizona)
Today, I got my drivers license suspended until I am 18 for driving without a license. Where was I driving to? My last day of Drivers Ed. The high school where I take Drivers Ed. classes at is across the street from my house. I gave up 3 years of driving to drive 100 feet. FML
I agree, your life sucks (20764) - you deserved it (84591)
On 06/12/2009 at 2:13am - misc - by studentdriver828 (woman) - United States (North Carolina)
Monday 20 May 2013
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