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Today, I was at a bar talking to a very attractive young woman. I began to see that she wantd me as she pulld closer an closer. Eventually she pulld me in an lickd mah ear lobe sensually. She then said, "I wanna break yur collar bone." in a seductive tone. FML
Today, I went to meet grlfriend parent fir the frst time. I accidentally drove past there house the frst time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over there dog. FML
Today, I was about to loose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 yeres, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm making this up. FML
TODAY , I WAS DRIVING TO THE GROCERY STORE WITH MAH 7 YEAR-OLD SON . WHEN I WAS APPROACHING A STOP SIGN , I LOOK NEXT TO ME AND SEE A GUY WITH A TRIANGLE SHAPED HEAD . I TELL MAH SON "LOOK AT THE GUY WITH THE TRIANGLE HEAD." MY WINDOW WAS OPEN . SO WAS HIS . FML
Today, I was feeling up mah grlfriends chest. I was getting into it until she said ( What r u doing? ) I said I was rubbing her nipple. She replies, ( Thats not mah nipple, its a pimple. ) I felt up a pimple. mega FML
Today my house got broken into . My brand new laptop was stolen along with my flatscreen TV digital camera external hard drive an some clothes . Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben an Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer I opend the door to find that it too had been stolen . FML
Today, I went up to a secludd mountain mah boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phond mah boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone startd playing from the bush. FML
Today, was birthday. I purposely didn't log onto facebook all day so that I could read all birthday wishes at once. When I loggd on at the end of the day I had one notification. My ( friend ) had commentd on a picture of me, saying I lookd lyk jabba the hut. FML
Today, I was playing an laughing with my new babby boy. He was giggling, an it was adorable. Out of nowhere I say ( you're my favorite! ). Now I'm sitting here talking to my two other children about how what I said earlier I didn't mean personally. They never want to talk to me again. FML
TODAY, I HAD A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER FOR MAH DANCE CLASS. I NOTICED AT ONE POINT, HE TOOK OUT A CAMERA. THE PRINCIPAL CUMMED IN, EVERYONE WAS GOING CRAZY, AND THE TEACHER WAS DRAGGED OUT OF THE CLASSROOM. HE WAS TAKING VIDEOS AND PICTURES OF US DANCING. TURNS OUT HE WAS A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER. FML
TODAY, I WAS EMAILING MAH PROFESSOR ABOUT WAT CHAPTERS OUR TEST IS ON THIS AFTERNOON. SHE ACCIDENTALLY EMAILD ME INFORMING ME OF THE DATE SHE WENT ON LAST NIGHT, INCLUDING THAT SHE ( GOT LAID... YAY!! ) AN A PICTURE. I STILL DON'T KNOW WAT CHAPTERS I'M BEING TESTD ON. FML
TODAY, I FOUND OUT TAT I'M PREGNANT. MY USBAND AN I AVE BEEN TRYING TO AVE A BABBY 4 A WILE, AN I WAS VERY EXCITED TO TELL IM TE NEWS. WEN I OPENED IS OFFICE PLANNING TO SURPRISE IM WIT TE NEWS, I SAW IM MAKING OUT WIT A MAN. FML
Today, I had a surgery to remove a cyst from mah butt . Afterwards that doctor told me that the cyst was bigger than he initially thought, it would still secrete fluids for two weeks, and the best remedy for this was to wear a maxi-pad . I'm a guy, and am currently wereing a maxi-pad on mah butt . real FML
today mah friend and I were seeing a movie!! We endd up sitting next to a manho was continually laughing, clapping, and bouncing up and down on his seat!! Extremely annoyd, we turnd to him and told him to ( shut the fuck up )!! Turns out he had downs syndrome and ran out of the theater crying!! FML
Friday 27 March 2015