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Self_Reliant's favorite FMLs
by Lori / 11/04/2015 at 1:46pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love
Today, I learned the hard way that my boyfriend lied about getting a vasectomy before we met, in spite of knowing how phobic I am of pregnancy and kids. His defense? "I figured you'd change your mind someday, because all you chicks love babies." FML
by nocongratsneeded / 11/03/2015 at 10:23pm / United States (Michigan) / Health
Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML
by Anonymous / 10/28/2015 at 11:09am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I woke up at 2am and went to use the toilet. I sat there doing my business, when I heard a voice whisper my name from behind me. I live alone and the toilet is right up against the wall. I screamed and ran back to my room, then went without sleep for the rest of the night. FML
by haunted / 10/23/2015 at 4:41pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
Today, at our wedding, instead of saying "I do", my fiancé paused before saying, "I can't do this", stepped down from the altar and proposed to my maid of honor. When she obviously refused, he ran from the venue bawling. He's not returning my calls. FML
by Anonymous / 10/21/2015 at 12:46am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love
Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbor's attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML
by Anonymous / 10/11/2015 at 11:34am / United States (Kentucky) / Transportation
Today, while having lunch with my grandparents, my grandpa's eyes glazed over, his head fell and he slumped in his chair. I started panicking and almost cried, thinking he was dead. Then he laughed and said "Just kidding. I'm fine." FML
by Anonymous / 10/09/2015 at 2:02pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous
by whatdidimarry / 09/24/2015 at 7:31pm / United Kingdom (Cardiff) / Miscellaneous
Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML
by Gassy / 09/21/2015 at 10:45am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
Today, I found out that after three years of telling my boss our strategy wasn't going to work, that I was right - it didn't work. I also found out that because it didn't work, I lost my job. My boss still has his. FML
by Unemployed / 09/17/2015 at 3:14am / Work
Today, I accidentally threw a glass of iced tea in my own face, because the restaurant I'd patronized for over a decade switched from heavy glass mugs to identical light-as-a-feather plastic mugs. FML
by BlueMacaw / 09/16/2015 at 2:53am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my teacher plugged the speakers into the wrong input on his computer, and said, "Oops, wrong hole", to which one of the students who often makes the same mistake said, "Story of my life". I understood it differently and started laughing. It would have been fine if the teacher wasn't her father. FML
by zachjm98 / 09/15/2015 at 6:31am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, I got up to get some water. When I stood up, I fell straight to the ground, my legs were so weak. As I fell, I hit my head on the end table and knocked myself unconscious. My boyfriend laughed at me. FML
by Anonymous / 09/15/2015 at 1:56am / United States / Intimacy
Today, I dropped my toothbrush. Because I have the spatial awareness of a mentally-retarded gnat, I hit my head against the sink as I bent down to get it. Then I did the same on the way back up, almost KO'ing myself. My boyfriend saw the whole thing and nearly pissed himself laughing. FML
by dammit / 09/12/2015 at 4:11am / Australia (Queensland) / Health
Today, I asked my teacher if he could tutor me for my upcoming exam. He said he'd look into it and let me know later. I later got called to the principal's office because my teacher claimed I'd propositioned him for sex. FML
by hale_551 / 09/11/2015 at 12:34pm / Miscellaneous