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About Schizomaniac : Hello there.
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Today, a customer threatened to smash my face in because I wouldn't give him a veteran's discount on a donut. He looked like he'd eaten his way out of fat camp, and it seemed the only action he'd seen was fighting his way into a lard factory. Still, he swung fast, and I now have a black eye. FML
Today, I was interviewing a woman for a job. She told me that she may need days off because of her artistic son. I jokingly replied, "Does he color on the walls or something?" She then stared at me with a weird look on her face. Autistic, her son is autistic. FML
Today, my girlfriend was feeling down because she has put on some weight. I tried to make her feel better by showing her I can still pick her up. I can, and I was even able to hide the fact that I shat myself doing it. I'm so romantic. FML
Today, my cousin asked me what it's like to be so fat. I chastised him and said that was a rude thing to ask. He apologized, then asked me what it's like to be such a pussy. He didn't stop until he, a 10 year old kid, had reduced me, a 26 year old woman, to tears. FML
Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML
Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML
Today, my coworker was telling me about his mom, when he asked about mine. I told him that I've never met my mom, because she died during my childbirth. It's a very painful subject for me, but all the same, my coworkers have decided they'll now only address me as "Tyrion". FML
Today, after waiting 2 hours for my landlord to leave so I could take a shit in peace, I sat down on the toilet. The doorbell immediately rang. It was my landlord, who wanted to let me know that he had just backed into my car. FML
Today, my brother tried to give my dog a walk by attaching an RC helicopter to the leash and following him while flying it. He broke the RC helicopter which cost 300 dollars, and we had to search for the dog for 3 hours. FML
Today, I presented my child with the classic "Who came first, the chicken or the egg?" conundrum. In return, I got a detailed lecture on how birds evolved from dinosaurs, how life was created in the sea and an explanation about evolution. I got schooled by a 9 year old. FML
Friday 1 August 2014