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About Scarylizard1798 : USA, near NYC, life is great but I gotta get a published fml...
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Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His father was completely wasted, his mom was high, and his 11-year-old sister was talking about her favorite alcoholic drinks at the dinner table. FML
Today, while heading to the bathroom, I saw my girlfriend putting some lingerie under my bed. I stupidly thought it was for some sexy time later. Well, later on, she dramatically "found" the lingerie and broke up with me. Almost everyone believes her story and thinks I'm a dirty cheater. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over a stupid argument, but after a long day we made up and got back together. Not long afterwards, my friend called, feeling guilty and confessing that he had sex with her after finding out she'd dumped me. FML
Today, my father seems to be having an affair. A used condom was carelessly left on his nightstand and my mother found it. She refuses to believe that my boyfriend and I are not responsible. As punishment I am "no longer allowed to see him." We're both 22 and live together in our own apartment. FML
Today, I found out my 7-year-old daughter really did lie about my husband's "other girlfriend" as revenge for being grounded, and that he never cheated on me at all. We're well into our divorce proceedings and he won't forgive me for not believing him when he denied it. FML
Today, my obsessive stalker of an ex found my girlfriend on Facebook and sent her a message saying just ":)". For some reason I'll never understand, she took this as a sign that I'd just slept with my ex. Now I'm single, and my ex is probably planning her next move. FML
Today, on a first date with a guy, I spilled ice cream all over my pants. He bought me some more, and as I was thanking him, he said, "You've never had a guy treat you right, have you?" I said no and started crying. FML
Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML
Today, I woke up from a wet dream. My girlfriend quickly figured it out and bitched me out for having one when she was "right there" for me to ask for sex. Logic failure aside, the last time I flirted with her, she called me a sex-obsessed pig and didn't talk to me for three days. FML
Today, my mother-in-maw informed us that she sold her house and is moving in with us so we'll "take care" of her in old age. She's in perfect health. We've only been married for 4 months. My wife can't stand her for more than 2 weeks at a time, let alone living with us. FML
Friday 30 January 2015