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SGTcrazyBoy2000's favorite FMLs
by single and unbuggered / 07/31/2015 at 5:04pm / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Love
Today, I was using the toilet. I was still insanely pissed off over an argument with my girlfriend, which kind of explains why I was wiping my ass so furiously that my fingers broke through the tissue and ended up in my ass, causing me to shriek like a little girl. FML
by Anonymous / 06/19/2015 at 9:22pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I had to pick my brother up from work because he broke down crying. I arrived to find that apparently, you can get so stoned that serving a pregnant woman at a fast food joint moves you to tears over the miracle of life. FML
by sistertaxi / 05/14/2015 at 10:23am / Australia / Miscellaneous
Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML
by Anonymous / 04/03/2015 at 2:43pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous
Today, I made a speech in front of my entire graduating class and their families, despite my fear of public speaking. It seemed to go well and I got a big round of applause at the end. Then I panicked and instead of waving, I lifted my arm straight out in a Hitler salute. FML
by oooooops / 03/22/2015 at 8:32pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by mszoe / 03/01/2015 at 1:05am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML
by tulisa / 02/20/2015 at 11:25pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals
by highschoolsucks / 01/20/2015 at 9:41pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by Mr_snuggels / 12/24/2014 at 3:05pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals
Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML
by Anonymous / 12/11/2014 at 4:47pm / United States (California) / Health
by anonymous / 10/31/2014 at 12:24am / United States (California) / Love
by Alexismaria / 10/23/2014 at 4:05pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 10/05/2014 at 12:02pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Love
Today, my girlfriend visited my restaurant with some guy I'd never seen before. She introduced him to me as her "new boyfriend". She was always a cold bitch, but I never saw this coming. I had to serve their food while choking back tears, and I couldn't work up the nerve to spit in it. FML
by Anonymous / 09/18/2014 at 3:32am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love
- Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I… Today, I waked in on my boyfriend and his best friend playing "Dick Wars" while wearing glow in the… Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in…