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PyroTim's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 02/21/2013 at 8:43am / United States (Idaho) / Miscellaneous
Today, while riding the train home, I noticed a man who kept looking at me. Annoyed, I told him to be less obvious and to stop staring. He promptly responded, "Bitch, I'm gay, and even I can tell no one would want to look at you." FML
by assoutofuandme / 02/14/2013 at 2:39am / United States (California) / Transportation
by excusemeprincess / 02/11/2013 at 12:08pm / United States (New York) / Love
by mydadsgonnakillme / 02/08/2013 at 2:13am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, a tenant in my apartment block told me about a nice shady place behind our building where he often goes to relax. Curious, I went looking for it. It was a quiet and secluded courtyard. At least until a man came out of nowhere waving a hammer in my face, screaming in a foreign language. FML
by Anonymous / 02/06/2013 at 6:14pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was dragged to a Super Bowl party. While there, the host's kid threw 3 cups of apple sauce at my feet, which then exploded and covered my jeans. 10 minutes later, the host's wife announced that she was pregnant with twins. All I could come up with was, "You're making more!?" FML
by Anonymous / 02/04/2013 at 12:15am / United States (California) / Kids
by rani / 02/02/2013 at 5:34pm / Norway (Oslo) / Love
Today, while trucking, I got stuck in traffic on a congested highway. After 15 minutes of mind-numbing boredom, I glanced down at the car beside me, only to witness the driver changing her tampon and flicking the old one onto the highway. I can't unsee this. FML
by thoughtidseenitall / 02/01/2013 at 8:01pm / United States (Colorado) / Transportation
Today, during my first day as a medical intern in a new ward, I was performing a rectal exam. My supervisor thought it would be funny to burst into the room and scream, "Who are you?! You don't even work here, you pervert!" FML
Today, I went to my cousin's wedding. The groom walked over when the two of us were talking, took one good look at me, slapped me on the ass, and said, "You know, if I wasn't marrying Rose here, you'd be next." Yeah, about that: I'm a 16-year old guy. FML
by Denki / 01/30/2013 at 7:21am / China (Beijing) / Love
Today, it's been two months since I got a kitten. He loves to hide, and then surprise me by jumping out of his hiding place. It was quite a surprise when he launched himself out of my bag during class. FML
Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what she would name her child. She said she saw the name "Chlamydia" on a billboard and decided to name her daughter that, saying it was "beautiful." I informed her that it was an STD, and she replied, "Oh, well no one knows that!" FML
by andy / 01/27/2013 at 11:36pm / United States (California) / Kids
Today, a pregnant woman got on the bus. There were no free seats, so I stood up to give her mine. An obese man pushed past her, waddled over, and oozed into my seat. I said it was for the pregnant lady. He called me a "sexist bitch" and claimed he needed it more. FML
by protoplasm stole my seat / 01/25/2013 at 8:24pm / New Zealand (Waikato) / Miscellaneous
by great / 01/25/2013 at 3:36pm / Puerto Rico / Intimacy
by daddy's girl / 01/21/2013 at 11:08pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I received a phone call, angry at me for not calling my dad on Father's Day. When I told her…
- Today, I started undressing in front of my boyfriend. He politely said, "Excuse me, please" because… Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my girlfriend. I told her that I loved her. She asked… Today, I tried to wake my boyfriend up to sex. When I went to touch his penis, he elbowed me in the…