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PurpleToast's favorite FMLs
by creepyyy / 05/17/2014 at 12:54pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, it's five days until my wedding and I still can't tell my bride apart from her twin sister. They share clothes, have the same haircut, and they even take turns flirting with me to "catch me off guard" because they think it's hilarious to trick me. I'm scared I'll marry the wrong one. FML
by STOP / 05/08/2014 at 9:55am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love
by Sad Student / 02/02/2014 at 10:26pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health
Today, while in the prison I work at, I came down with severe digestion issues. Master control probably laughed as they watched me wait at the security gates in a cold sweat, squeezing my ass-cheeks together like an inmate smuggling contraband. FML
by TwistedCherub1 / 02/01/2014 at 5:42pm / United States / Work
by Anonymous / 01/31/2014 at 5:08pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was in the process of finally losing my virginity. Part-way through, my neighbour started shouting from his backyard, "Go, Nicolas! You can do it!" He was talking to his son, but the two of us have the same name. I couldn't finish. FML
by prochainefois / 01/31/2014 at 4:05pm / Intimacy
Today, I finally finished making my daughter's wedding cake. When I checked on it later, I found a large slice had been cut out. I soon found out that my husband had instagrammed himself eating it, with the caption "#guiltypleasures". FML
by Anonymous / 01/31/2014 at 11:36am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous
by sabz21 / 01/26/2014 at 11:37pm / United States (Connecticut) / Work
Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML
by Anonymous / 01/18/2014 at 5:55pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy
Today, after three weeks of fighting with my husband, I found out that he really didn't create an account on a website for cheaters and charge the bill to his credit card. Our daughter did it as a prank, and only confessed because our fighting was stressing her out. FML
by Anonymous / 01/18/2014 at 1:16pm / United States / Kids
by DisturbedMan / 01/15/2014 at 5:29pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Intimacy
Today, my husband and I decided to have a quickie before the kids woke up from their nap. The sex was amazing and I couldn't hold in my screams or not hit the wall. About 15 minutes in, both of our children came busting in with their nerf guns, screaming, "Where's the monster?" FML
by anon / 01/12/2014 at 8:53pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 01/12/2014 at 1:38am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was getting ready for a night out with the girls, and without any hint of trickery, just wanting an honest answer, I asked my boyfriend how I looked in the dress I chose. He immediately dropped to his knees, yelled, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and calmly left the room. FML
by -_-" / 01/11/2014 at 6:13pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, and every other night since my new neighbors moved in two weeks ago, their cat has been standing outside my house meowing constantly up at my window, where my cat keeps standing and meowing back. It's like a feline version of Romeo and Juliet, and I can't sleep. FML
by Anonymous / 01/11/2014 at 1:52pm / Dominican Republic (Distrito Nacional) / Animals
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I moved three hours away from my boyfriend for college. Even though he got accepted to the…