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PhoenicianKing's favorite FMLs
Today, I slept over at my new boyfriend's house for the first time. When I woke up in the morning, he told me all about how much gas I'd had through the night. He said he thought he had a grown man in his bed instead of me. FML
by Isa_Marie0113 / 11/03/2014 at 6:32pm / United States (Connecticut) / Love
by super maman / 09/29/2014 at 11:08pm / France (Midi-Pyrenees) / Kids
by jewelthewat / 09/19/2014 at 8:52am / Netherlands (Utrecht) / Transportation
by anonyme / 07/30/2014 at 2:51am / France (Rhone-Alpes) / Miscellaneous
Today, a customer threatened to smash my face in because I wouldn't give him a veteran's discount on a donut. He looked like he'd eaten his way out of fat camp, and it seemed the only action he'd seen was fighting his way into a lard factory. Still, he swung fast, and I now have a black eye. FML
by Anonymous / 07/24/2014 at 5:23pm / United States (Virginia) / Work
Today, I was scrubbing the bloody aftermath of a successful mouse trap off of my stove with an old toothbrush. After a few good scrubs, out of habit I put the toothbrush in my mouth while I turned on the water. FML
by AylaMarie92 / 07/21/2014 at 5:04pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Animals
Today, my mom told me my relationship is a joke, because teenagers don't understand the meaning of relationships and commitment. I couldn't help but remind her how she's divorced three separate men to date. She hit me over the head so hard that snot flew out of my nose. FML
by Anonymous / 07/18/2014 at 7:06pm / United States (New York) / Love
Today, while eating dinner with my boyfriend, I look up to see him staring at me, smiling. Hoping he wanted to say how lucky of a man he was who loved me deeply, I asked him what he was thinking. He replied, "You can't smell that yet? It was a noxious one." FML
by KaiyaOtaku1 / 07/14/2014 at 7:48pm / United States (Washington) / Love
Today, my little sister started freaking out, because she was playing with some white-out eraser and got some on her finger. She started crying inconsolably because she thought her entire finger was going to disappear. FML
by neryc / 07/04/2014 at 3:41pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids
Today, my dad finished installing our new home security system. One of the features lets him control any light in the house from his phone. He keeps trying to piss me off by turning my bedroom light on at random intervals. I don't know how to make it stop, and I can't sleep. FML
by pissed off / 07/02/2014 at 5:52pm / United Kingdom (Milton Keynes) / Miscellaneous
by possibly fucked / 06/22/2014 at 4:34pm / Portugal (Lisboa) / Intimacy
Today, I was playing some soccer with my buddies, when a kid came over, yelled "CUP CHECK!" and nailed me in the nuts then ran away laughing. Millions of my unborn children died in agony. All his fatass mom did was chuckle nervously and pat her satan-spawn on the head. FML
by wish his dad had worn one / 06/07/2014 at 5:16pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health
by SmittyJA24 / 05/19/2014 at 10:38pm / United States (Idaho) / Miscellaneous
Today, I took my son to lunch. After we ate, the waitress came over and told me that my son was the most well-behaved child they had ever had there. His response was to pull his pants down and moon the entire restaurant while smacking his bottom. FML
by BekkyLove15 / 05/18/2014 at 8:12pm / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Kids
Today, my cat decided to hide in the garbage can so he could get a free trip outside, but was too fat to climb all of the way inside of it. He got stuck half-way in. It took me ten minutes to get him out. FML
by LyraAlluse / 05/18/2014 at 7:35pm / United States (Arizona) / Animals